Hi everyone.
I am fresh in this group as well. However, I am not that fresh with addictions. I used to do hard drugs as a teen and went through 2 years of re-hab and 3 more years of therapy. I guess my sex addiction took a full swing before I was 20 years old. I never realized I was sex addict. For years I was reasoning for myself that I am only treating guys just as they were treating me.

You know, I always had this feeling that I can’t be loved, and people just wants sex from me. Sex kind of become a tool to feel powerful. Independent. To revenge. To punish. And so on. I also thought that at least I am living a boring life. I never told anyone how many partners I have had.

Until I met a man who was another traumatized sex addict. He forced me to reflect my own behavior by having multiple partners alongside me (just like I had other partners alongside him). I got very upset by his behavior and walked away. It took me months to analyses why I got so angry from something that I have done over and over again. It also made me realize how my action have hurt many people and I have quite likely broken hearts. After him however I felt that I don't want this no more; always new guys, always lying or hiding the truth. And it could be said that last year I started my recovery.

So after over a year I met him again and he wanted me to be him again. I was seeing him briefly and we had very honest conversations about our sexual history. But unlike me, he did not see any problems of having countless numbers of partners. His attitude was more like at least we lived. I am not so sure about it. I think now-a-days that I actually I lost more than gained with my little addiction. I lost the possibility for a lifelong companion and shared memories. I felt torn as at the same time I felt that he is like me, he can understand me like I can understand him, and I honestly felt that we were meant to be. However, at the same time he made me feel bad, like really bad, as nothing has changed with him, and I don't think he was willing to face his problems. So, I walked away again 4 months ago.

While I was away from him and I avoided sex, guess what I did? I started drinking. One bottle of wine per evening can't hurt anyone eh? So, in order not to shag anything that moves I numb myself with the booze. Today I admitted to myself that I am an sex addict. And in order to obtain a better life and to some degree a healthy relationship I need to face my trauma, problems and be an active part of my personal change. I want to heal.I am done with addictions ruling my life. And I have been wrong all my life: I am worthy of love.

In order to get help for sex addiction is it not easy where I live in. There are not literally any help available for sex addicts apart from couple of SAA groups and those are all for males.

Sorry for spelling mistakes and possibly missing words.