I'm kind of hurt that you haven't responded to my text. I know I have no right to anything from you now and I realize you're probably busy seeing clients. I just feel so unimportant and like I'm screaming for help from you and Dr. S and nobody can hear me. And it doesn't really make sense... I've more or less told you both I'm not feeling safe. I don't understand why I'm the only one alarmed by the direction things are going. It's not like this is normal for me, even when I'm feeling badly.

I told you last month it feels like I'll eventually kill myself. You said if I think that's what's going to happen, it probably will. I'm confused. I thought I was supposed to tell you guys about that stuff. Are you all just burned out and that's why nobody has addressed any of the multiple statements I've made? I don't understand how I'm supposed to deal with this by myself.

And Dr. S, you are full of ****. How can you tell me you hold onto hope for me even though I can't and fail to even ask me about safety when I tell you being alive feels out of my comfort zone?? Also I'm not convinced you are educated about shrooms and I'm even wondering if you're confusing them with MDMA. I don't think you have a good argument for shrooms being "bad for the brain." At least, I don't think there's any evidence whatsoever that they are worse for the brain than antidepressants. I think there's every reason to hypothesize that daily antidepressants have worse long term effects on the brain compared to using a moderate dose of shrooms once or twice a month - or less. So you can **** right off. I respect your opinion but there's so much ignorance and prejudice towards psychedelics and that seems to be playing a big role here. You're acting like I told you I think heroin is a viable option for depression.

Also, I felt like you were talking to me like I don't know the first thing about how my medications work. Maybe that's not fair, but it was frustrating having you dumb down an explanation of neurochemistry. I know more than you think I do. I won't pretend I know a ton, but Jesus, I know what ****ing neurotransmitters are and I know about receptors and all that ****. Hell, you could have said psilocybin is a partial agonist of x, y, and z and I wouldn't have been confused. In fact, you could have referenced the 5-HT2A receptor and you wouldn't have had to tell me that's a serotonin receptor.

Why do you assume I've taken things into my own hands without doing any research?

It's ironic that you're so worked up about the theoretical danger of taking an SNRI and shrooms when there are no accounts of serious adverse interactions in the literature AND I've been on multiple prescription psychotropics that DO have this data. That makes no sense and is overtly biased. Even if there was more than theoretical reason to be cautious, there would not be cause to act like the risk is greater with this combo than any of the others that you were fine with.

I have half a mind to email you with the resources I consulted prior to deciding the risks of shrooms were acceptable to me. You're acting like I'm dropping acid on the daily or taking molly every weekend. I know you know more than me about neurobiology/neurochemistry. I know I'm not an expert. BUT I'm not careless and did my research. People who are in a position to know more than YOU on this topic don't agree with your conclusions and that's where I got my data from.

Therapist - I guess you're not going to reply. Part of me is relishing this. The experience of being neglected when I need help most is oddly comforting because it feels so familiar. That makes me kind of sad for myself, but it's my brain's way of coping with what might otherwise destroy me. So I guess it's for the best.