I get involved in really bad situations and I know it is because of my extremely low self esteem, my social anxiety and the fact I have no real friends left and no support system. I am always in an utter state of loneliness where it just hurts!
Over the past ten years I knowingly got involved in relationships with married men. Almost 5 years ago, I met one that I fell in love with. So over the past 5 years I have thought about him every day. We were on and off again for a few years. The first time around I could tell he also had some feelings for me. We got close but it was supposed to be a FWB situation. He eventually stopped talking to me. I was devastated but somehow managed to not contact him for almost a year.
We then reunited online and it started back up again but in my mind I knew there had to be other women so I always kept in my mind. But I didnt care because I just wanted to be with him. I can't remember exactly what happened this time but I know I yelled at him, gave him finger or something and again it was over. Then we some how started talking again within the next year. This time he kept mentioning possibly doing a 3 some with his friend. I could tell he wasn't as into as the other times and it only seemed like he wanted to talk to me if I agreed to do a 3 some. I was hurting inside but kept playing along just to get the chance to see him. If I felt him pulling away, I would bring up the 3 some. I eventually coudn't take it anymore - the being used to act out his fantasies though he said it was for me!- and I flipped out again, yelling and that was it! I said really horrible things to him and thought that was it!
Last year, I messaged him on the kik app. We started talking again and he invited me to join a kik group he was in. And again it was the 3 some thing! And of course I played along with him and the group just to get a chance to see him, anything! He met me once at a park. We kissed but thought it was a little odd he didn't want more ( I presume he was already sleeping with someone else). So I continued in group waiting for more. Nothing more was happening. Again, I flipped out, erased my entire kik and stopped talking to all these people!
I made a new kik account a few months back and I messaged him a few times, showed a nude pic, etc. Then I recently rejoined his kik group randomly without telling him I was joining it. I assumed he knew it was me in the group since we had talked before on this account but he didn't. And because he didnt know it was me, I got to hear all about his sexual encounter with a woman that he had that day written in detail in the kik group! My heart sank to my stomach. He eventually private messaged me on kik but had no clue who I was! I told him! He laughed and told me to please stay in the group. I told him if he wants me to leave it I can. He said no. So of course in the group there are people who want 3 and 4 somes and it is constantly talked about in group. I play along with it and go along with it. I have all kinds of men messaging me though none interest me. The other day I abruptly left the kik group due to realizing he doesn't give a crap about me once again.! Half the group was messageing me asking me what was wrong and why I left group (most have no idea that me and him had an affair once!) I finally said I need to tell him how I truly feel because it is eating me alive! I told him I still had feelings for him (it took a lot for me to type it all out because i bottle everything inside) and it hurts to see him using me to do his 3 and 4 somes, etc. At first he didn't even get what i said and I had to explain it again. All I got from him was that he doesnt feel the same way and sorry if He's hurting my feelings.
So basically I agreed to have a FWB with a married man, and unexpectedly fell for him. He was actually nice to me in the beginning, nicer than any other guy I have ever been with. I was doing so much better , not thinking about him as much and now with me joining this group again it just starts up again. I have zero self esteem when I take tests on it. I hate myself, my life, I have nothing, no money, a job I hate, my friends left and parents who have sheltered me and caused me severe anxiety my entire life!
That is why I do this! I will take anything, even being used because it is something! I have been divorced 15 years and haven't dated anyone. (Everyone has been married) I live with relatives because over the past 15 years I have not been able to make enough money even though I work full time! I hated my husband and never loved him. my life is worthless and wish I was never born!
I need to get over this guy!