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Privacy was a bit of a challenge for today's session as a friend arrived 30 minutes before. R arrived and confirmed that she had received my email. Although she didn't get a chance to reply, she said that she had picked up on the tentativeness.
'It's hard for me to explain my spirituality.'
'What spirituality means to you might be different to what spirituality means to me.'
'We've had conversations about spirituality over the years, and for me, it never gets any easier.'
R reminded me that there is no judgement from her.
'When Chris and I talked about spirituality, there was never any sense of 'This is what you are going to need to know when I'm gone.' She mentioned a particular book... I hadn't mentioned it to Mum, but when I went on a residential, she went to Glastonbury town. When I got home, there was a copy of the book on my bed.'
'Wow. If that isn't a sign...'
We ended up talking about how my spirituality is linked to people.
'Once upon a time, there was a physicality to my spirituality, and that makes it hard. Especially sitting here the day before
the most significant date. Before I get a million miles away...'
At that point, the friend shouted 'Bye!'
'Well done,' R said to me. 'Bad timing. You were saying 'Before you get a million miles away...'
I reached over to my side, and realised I couldn't find what I was looking for.
'Have you lost something?'
'My butterfly notebook.'
'I know the one. Do you want to go on a hunt?'
I did so briefly, and returned to the living room.
'I know I brought it in here.'
R got up and put her hand down the side of my chair. She pulled out my notebook.
'I have three children, I spend half my life looking for things.'
'Thank you so much!' I pulled the piece of paper out from the front of the notebook and took a deep breath.
'l took one with you.'
I began to read the letter aloud, and stumbled over the same part I always do. Trying again, I reached for R's hand. Her grip tightened as I approached it again.
'You may be feeling confused, but you are doing it. Even writing this is one way of expressing your anger.'
I eventually admitted that I feel as though I am acting when I read it aloud.
'There is a fire in it, but when I get to that point, it hits me. What a ****ing waste!'
The manner of Steve's death threatens to become my defining image of him and I don't want that to happen.
R reminded me that I am very particular in the way I express myself. 'Everything is considered. You are a writer, and a perfectionist in a sense.'
The anger may need to find another way out.
We finished with a few cleansing breaths. R kept her word that whatever we stir up can be settled.
She asked how I was feeling.
'There are words in other languages that cannot be translated into English.'
'OK.'
'I don't think the word exists for what I am feeling, but I am feeling a little relieved.'
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'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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