Thank you both for answering.

Yesterday i was triggered very bad and i have seriously thought about doing it, but then i tried to distract myself and i also had a breakthrough... i guess it would have been the first time i would have done it because i was angry at myself.

Usually, i use it just to have relief from whatever, but this time i realized i was very angry at myself. i still didnt mean to punish myself but again just have a relief from these feelings of hatred.

i keep thinking about it, but if i can, i want to wait until i see my T and psych next week. if after that i'll still feel like doing it, then i guess i'll do it.

i also realized it would have also been to take a "break" from life and make something happen. i know it must sound stupid, but i have nothing else in life making me feel alive.

i guess i could try to have strong feelings so that i feel alive in other ways, but i feel i belong to the psych ward.