Thank you mote.of.soul,

no, i cant actually imagine feeling joy.

my feelings wont allow me feel that.

relief is the closest i can think of. but that would involve SH and drinking.

but i've also thought about volunteering with kids/teens. sometimes i think it would make some difference, sometimes i think it would not. sometimes i think it would make me feel more fulflled and sometimes i think i would be like putting myself in a cage of fear, strong unwanted feelings, too much responsibilities or the opposite (doing something that would be too much for me but mean nothing to others).

im pissed off at myself because i think the happiest moments i've had are those in which i was close to dying or while IP or talking with T and psych.

i know i have family's love (cat included) but i feel that as a person of my own i have nothing but SH or SUI and T.

i still want to end up in Hosp for severe SH. it would be stupid and maybe i could regret it but its very attractive to me now.