I thought I was doing okay but maybe I've just been lying to myself. These poems I've been writing... ugh. How do I do this, L? How do I let the healing I found in the "relationship" still be real and permanent, while at the same time letting that house of cards crumble and fall around me? I'm back to believing again that if I never really knew you, there was never any real relationship, despite your protestations that "It's real, it's just unique". How much of what I felt was real, and how much smoke and mirrors, a downright big fat cruel lie I told myself?! I'm not gonna let myself go back not even to talk about what I learned yesterday. Why set myself up for more heartbreak? I might have my eyes open now, and it might work out okay, but I'm not going to chance it.

Feelings suck. I don't want them anymore. I think I'd like to be a robot now, please.