Hello peeps! I'm a 26 year old female and I've been dating a lot in the past 4 years, after an unhappy and toxic long term relationship had finally ended.
I'm pretty sexually open I guess one could call me promiscuous.
I was very happy with that life without commitment until I deeply fell in love in 2020. It was a complicated up and down, because that man was in an open relationship but it was the first time I could only think about one person for months and wasn't interested in anyone else. He eventually broke up and we started dating, but he still never really wanted to fully commit and we stayed in some kind of open and long distance relationship, which made stability quite hard to achieve and made my feelings slowly freeze to protect myself. Few months ago, I then met man number two, fell in love on the spot and have been dating them both since then.
They love me back and want to get committed with me (man number one realized his mistake of keeping me on distance) but I can't seem to chose one of them if my life dependet on it, because I love them both. Or that's what I thought.
So far so good, although this situation is very complicated, falling in love with two people may still be not the most uncommon thing to happen. But a few days ago, I went partying with two good friends of man number one and because I had forgotten my keys, the one who lives close to me offered for me to sleepover at his place. We ended up sleeping in the same bed and although we didn't have sex, it was pretty damn close and we had some steamy kissing going on. I liked him before and now I feel
ridiculously infatuated with that guy too!
And I feel that my feelings are getting completely out of line! Is there no end to the amount of men I feel irrevocably drawn to?! It seriously scares me, that I have so little control over my desires and sexual urges! I knew this would end in chaos but I still went home with that guy because I wanted it so bad in that moment and I normally always act on my desires and hate repressing them. But I should be able to control myself better! It scares me, that I fall so easily, that one night with a guy is enough to make my heart sting when he tells me, he's actually seeing someone else too, although I'm dating TWO men, one of them his FRIEND! I'm afraid people might call me crazy, if I tell them about this and even more so, that they may be right.
I don't want to be like this. I really want to be a person that is reliable and can offer my partner safety and not hurt them. And I also want to be able to trust myself and my feeling of love, when I feel it. But how can I claim to love anyone in that situation, when it takes nothing to sway me into another direction within minutes?
I've been thinking a lot about what happened and why I might act and feel like this. I have been always pretty interested in boys since kindergarten and my friends knew me as the girl that was always in love with someone. But now that I'm an arguably pretty attractive woman and I actually date the people I normally only dreamt of, this emotional and sexual promiscuity hurts feelings and I still don't know why I actually do it, maybe seem to need it even.
Does anybody (preferably a woman) know this problem? I would love to hear what reasons for this kind of behaviour you can think of and what might help me to be a little bit more focused and in control of my feelings and behaviour.
Thank you in advance and please don'tbe too harsh, I know I'm a hoe but I'm tryna get better
Salomene