I don't want to suppress my emotions but I don't know how to stop. This vague bad feeling is making me crazy. I don't understand why I started doing this. I've always suppressed certain emotions, but this is on a whole other level.

Also I feel really alone. It's hard feeling this way and not having anybody. I know you want me to make friends, but I can't help thinking that wouldn't really help with this. I don't think one can have an expectation for friends to deal with this sort of thing. It's just too burdensome. People don't know how to respond to severe depression because they feel like they have to do something about it. Because why else would you tell them? I mean, you seem to feel the same way and you're a therapist, so I can hardly expect a friend to be able to tolerate my mental illness when you can't. Plus, I know it can be hard for people to keep caring when it seems like the issue never gets better. I think I would be really draining and exhausting as a friend.

I just wish I had somebody to lean on a little bit without feeling inappropriate or like a burden. Even if you were more supportive in the way I need, I can't depend on you to be there for me more than once a week and that's not enough.

Although it occurs to me that some of my recent attempts to share things with you so that I don't feel so alone have left me feeling low key humiliated. I am making assumptions and doing some mind reading here, but I'm not sure what else to think. I'm specifically talking about how I've made certain disclosures and been met with no response or followup. To me that suggests these things don't matter. If you ignored it outside of session but then brought it up in an appointment, I would feel ashamed because that would suggest I had been inappropriate, but at least I wouldn't feel like it just didn't matter. But then for it to be like I never said anything at all really makes me wonder what you're thinking and humiliated for sharing. I think I'm worried you think I'm just being dramatic to get attention and that I don't actually mean what I said. Which I guess I am looking for attention but it's because I do mean what I said and that scares me.

I feel kind of angry about this, but also highly critical of myself for being angry and for bothering you in the first place. The shame I feel at thinking I matter enough to burden you but then getting ignored is really intense. You can't be a burden to other people when you don't actually matter and I feel like a huge asshole for presuming I actually had the power to burden you.

Is it a problem that I feel absolved from any responsibility to bring these things up again? It seems to me that I've fulfilled any expectation you and Dr. S could have. I did try. With you I was even specific. I could not have been more explicit. If things go wrong, nobody can say I failed to hold up my end of the bargain.