I don't think I'm addicted to alcohol. But I self medicate with it because I have nothing else. I'm addicted slightly to weed.

They all increase dopamine somewhat, which is annoying to me. I don't feel well.

I can't believe;

1. How I can be like this almost daily
2. How ****ed up I was every day for a few years
3. How I'm still alive - From what most people would consider as a miracle.
3. How lonely I was and still am

But things have gotten better in general. I'm not doing NOTHING ABOUT IT anymore. I'm sick of waiting and living like how I was. I want actual meaning and connection. I'm just plagued by regret and so hard on myself, to improve. I can never take a break or relax. I feel disconnected from the rest of the world and humanity.

I replay the abuse in my head constantly, 24/7. I cope badly but still manage to be functional - It's better. I don't get how it is like this - That things are better yet I still feel such pain.

I haven't felt a sign of hope in 3-4 years (Idk - My memory is so bad). I said a long time ago, "If I can FEEL a sign that I should continue living, I will do it" - I'm not sure how long that will take. I'm just waiting. Maybe it will never come idk. All I'm holding onto are somewhat good memories (That are being crowded, over and over again - by bad ones).

It's scary to everyone around me - How suicidal I can be. I take something, ANYTHING.. And I feel better again... I forget about the depression that I avoid, for a day or more. I dwell in these terrible feelings and actually start to like thinking about death.

I don't want to be the negative person. People have said good things about me - But that was who I used to be. I feel like I'm turning into a negative person and I can't escape it. I think that the only thing to do is avoid being negative and just pretend to be happy even TO MYSELF. I lie to myself, say I'm feeling good, better, happy. The flame of who I am was is 99% extinguished.