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Originally Posted by eskielover
I did tell him why before I unfriended him. I cannot make people understand who just refuse to get it which also added to the blocking because I didn't want to waste my busy time dealing with him. I did that way too long in my bad marriage. I would communicate. I would even make my ex repeat back to me what I told him to make sure he got it & he still didn't. Some people are so in their own mind about thinking the relationship is OK that they don't even understand what the other person is telling them.
My time & energy are valuable to me & people like that aren't.....better to walk away than play along with the drama
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I agree that if it's like that it's pointless trying to communicate more. It's pointless anyway to try and do it for too long if it obviously doesn't work, yeah. I find it interesting how your experience has been with this guy and with your husband. I agree that some people really don't want to face anything that's possibly threatening info about the relationship. Or they only understand actions and not words, sometimes that's the case, when they only work with very very direct information and that would be actions, the most direct information if that makes sense. It's hard to misinterpret clear actions
Quote:
Originally Posted by FooZe
When I've found myself in situations like that, the problem has usually been that we weren't on the same page, or on the same wavelength, or (figuratively) speaking the same language. The other person seemed to be reacting and communicating to someone whom I didn't recognize as me, and they seemed not to recognize the person I was responding to and addressing as themselves.
In one situation in particular, I might start to tell the other person something like, "Here's what I hear you saying...". They'd come back with something apparently unrelated like, "STOP ANALYZING ME!" Apparently they were experiencing "analyzing" (whatever that meant to them) where I wasn't aware of intending any such thing. They could no doubt have presented a very good case that I was unwilling or unable to recognize analyzing when I saw it (or did it myself). I could have presented an equally good case that they were determined to see analyzing and blame it for uncomfortable situations whether it was really there or not.
Normally I would have wanted to resolve our impasse by seeing if we could agree on where to draw the line between what we would and what we wouldn't call "analyzing". Unfortunately, the other person was prepared to dismiss any such discussion as just more "analyzing". Later I came to think of such conversations as "talking past each other" or "looking for each other on different floors of the same building".
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Yeah, I've watched this a lot. I think different views of the world and different value systems as well as different agendas are what can obscure things like this the most.
Some of the different views are totally based in biology even, even if it doesn't totally always line up with biological sex. For example I've read and it makes sense that some people run on needing to take care of fear (needing safety, security in the world) while others need to take care of not feeling like a bad person instead (shame). And what I said about indirect vs more direct wording of things or the topic itself could be more or less implicit or explicit. etc etc.
Then it's going to be really hard to communicate all that....if the topic of the discussion is already actually a different topic for each of the two parties. Like you said.
The "stop analysing me" bit, what that makes me think of, the person thought that it applied to their person and/or their whole person, whatever you were saying (so again like, not wanting to be a bad person). Some people just don't like statements that to them seem like assumptions directed at their person, their intentions, their feelings, even when that's not the case, or even when it is but without trying to generalise to their whole person to make them feel bad. Yet they end up generalising it to their whole person when it perhaps wasn't meant that way. It's like they process it cognitively differently, whatever is being said.
Sorry if all that was trivial. Just a few of my observations. (I could go on lol)