Dear T,

Yes, I feel stupid. I feel stupid and pathetic and useless and idiotic when it comes to me being able to talk about stuff. Because I can't do it. Thank you for answering my "why can't I do it" question today, and for hinting at the fact that it isn't my fault. That I'm not those things. That it's just my instinctive reaction to the current situation.

I think I get it, but it doesn't help me feel any less stupid. Or useless. I'll refrain from using the word retard, but only because I don't think anyone should ever be called that. And I guess that includes me. Despite it being how I feel.

I work so damn hard to try and overcome this. I'm grateful for your positivity that I will get there, but I'll withhold my judgement, for now.

I just feel like giving up when every single week I come and every single week it's the same. Sat there, facing away from you, unsettled, anxious, unable to talk. I know we get there eventually, like today, but it's just such a slog, and I miss having K to do this work with.

At least with her I knew that she didn't think I was all the things I think of myself. With you I can only imagine that as soon as I leave you sigh a sigh of relief and mutter to yourself "f***ing hell, what is wrong with her"

Oh, I REALLY hope you didn't give me COVID too!! Also hope you'll be ok. See you in a couple of weeks all being well.