I am keeping on the mental help. It just seems like the wait time is far too long. I know when they had me in the first time they said "You don't seem depressed". It was because I was smiling and laughing. It's what I do around people I don't know or if I'm in a social setting. I try to put on a strong face. They said they are still waiting to get a testing session in. I'm hoping that maybe they could do a brain scan or something... I don't know. I really just want to know what's going on in my head. Psychology interests me.

My family is supportive of me. But I can see it in my mom and dad's eyes some times that they feel disapointed. I'm not where they wanted. I am not who I should of been. They do love me. They just want me to be happy but I feel I let them down. My mom got really upset a few days ago because I've been depressed and she told me she is sick and tired of the "DARKNESS". I finally talked to her almost crying and explaining that if I could be happy I would. I explained how I felt. She said she was sorry but it was stressful. I know it must be... Which is why I hate being here stressing out my family. I seem to be too much to the people who care about me. My family really wants me on my feet. I want to too. But I feel so discouraged right now.

I've been trying to remain okay but mainly I've been in a weird mood lately. Close to panic attacks (or I had them) and crying.

I talked to my ex today. We are getting along but that lasts for about 3 days. He is still sleeping with multiple women and that's not going to change. He says he wants to marry me but he doesn't want to stop sleeping around till he is 40 or something... In one positive he seems to be dealing well with my pregnancy now. He said he would leave the baby up to me and I could teach him how to raise a kid. He said I would be a great mother. I've never had a kid so I think him and I should learn together. I just really fear things... I want us to work together so much. But for most things I put in 100% or meet half way while he won't even do that. I hope he will here.

I still have no motivation for anything. I've been playing video games day in and out. I have no motivation to do any of my talents (I haven't for a long time). I keep telling myself to do them and made a to-do list but I still can't give myself the push to get going.