I can relate almost exactly to everything you have described here, including the background of your mother's trauma and her controlling behavior. It is actually pretty uncanny!

I'm so glad that you have fur babies to care for and who give you compassion and love. A story that I think I have inherited from my childhood is that, particularly as a woman, I should take care of and nurture others - but the communication I received from my mom when I tried is that my efforts are not good enough. So while I was told to be more nurturing and loving, I also have a lot of shame and doubts about my ability to actually nurture and love others. Animals are such an amazing way to build that connection and heal. I don't know if/when I will have pets again and I'm unsure whether I want children - but I hope that I'm able to have that connection with someone and see myself as a caring, nurturing person again. Like you say about your pets, " it has allowed me to access a part of myself I doubted existed" - I think this is what I need too.

I also feel the hollowness. To me, it is a hole in my heart and I can feel it physically in my chest. At times when I've tried to do body scan meditations or focus on where I feel my breath in my body, I'm unable to feel this upper part of my chest at all - other times, there is a pit of despair and I can almost feel the edges of this perfectly round, deep hole. I'm ashamed to say I often try to go through my day ignoring it. I'm trying to be better about coming home to my body no matter if I feel empty or not.

I had a really profound experience using a guided meditation from an Integrated Family Systems approach, in a podcast I listen to. In it, I encountered a very young version of myself - like 2 or 3 years old- who was experiencing the fact that my parents were "mad at me" and I had absolutely no idea why. Possibly my mom was stonewalling me or unresponsive to my feelings of rejection, hurt, and confusion. I really feel like this was a real memory stored deep down. It is amazing how these types of feelings can become stored in our bodies and we still feel them so many years later.