R acknowledged my email this morning, and said that she would listen to ‘The Paper and the Ink’ on the way to session. We began with a round of thank yous, firstly for the email, and also for picking up my piece of paper last week.

‘Did that stay with you? Bless you.’

After that, we moved into talking about the song. R asked what I was left with having listened to it. ‘You mentioned the time frame.’

‘That was a big thing for me – if he can still be in shock eight years later…’
‘There’s a lot of heart in it, and a lot of pain. Is that validating for you?

‘Absolutely. I listened to it again just now, and this time I was struck by the last verse. Other than the chorus, the song ends with humming. Sometimes there are no words.’

‘Sometimes it is OK not to have words?’

‘Good point.’ I reached across to where I had put my butterfly notebook – no danger of it falling this week – and pulled out the letter. Taking a couple of deep breaths, I readied myself to read it again. R reminded me ‘Nothing bad is going to happen because you read these words. This is your truth, and truth is never wrong.’

Although I wouldn’t say I read it easily, there were fewer stumbles. We spoke about separating my feelings towards Steve from my feelings about the act.

‘If I were to draw a Venn diagram, with interlacing circles, it would be hard to separate things out.’

‘Maybe there is something to be done in terms of organising the emotions?’

‘Have I ever shared a poem with you called Small Circles?’

‘It doesn’t sound familiar.’

I used to have it memorised, but in that moment it escaped me.

‘I’m not sure whether you’re going to recite it, or grab a piece of paper.’

Thankfully, I was able to put my hand on my copy of my poetry book.

‘I’m impressed by your ability to find things quickly. That’s similar to me finding your notebook last week.’
‘Thank you – the poem could stand a change of pronoun.’ I read the piece, and R asked when I wrote it.

‘Originally, I was addressing Kim, and it was written in 2013.’

‘AS I said earlier, it’s interesting how our own work comes back to us and resonates in a different way, like quotes on social media and songs.’

We continued to speak about my anger towards Steve, and R said something about him having made me feel safe.

‘That’s exactly it, and that is where the ‘How could he do that?’ lives.’

I continued. ‘I never imagined a scenario in which I would be having a conversation with you over Zoom, where I asked you to help me understand the concept of suicidal ideation!’

‘He made you feel safe, and then he took that away.’ The gut-wrench at that precise moment hurt.

‘Therefore, it is OK that I am…’

‘You can say it.’

‘It is OK that I am angry.’

We did some breathing around gratitude and honouring me for showing up. R used the affirmation ‘I am proud of myself,’ whilst I went with ‘I am learning to trust myself.’

R complimented me on my level of openness today, saying it was the first time I had read the letter with such ease. ‘Not that I’m suggesting it was easy. You’re doing amazingly.’

Our next session will be on Tuesday 26th April.