I’m so so p****d off. And so it continues. I was back at the doctors a couple of nights ago, because the cough/infection has returned yet again, for the 3rd time in just over a month (7th March, 27th March, 12th April). I feel weak, so very drained and my heart rate doesn't seem to be able to regulate. I’ll be just sat on the sofa, not doing a whole lot and it'll be around the 100bpm mark (my usual resting HR is between 60-70). When anything more strenuous, it'll hit up to 130+ as if I'm doing a workout or something, even just walking up the stairs. It's actually nuts. Still awaiting an appointment for a CT after the chest x-ray and blood tests were abnormal. When I asked, they confirmed I had been referred on 7th April, so just need to wait (really difficult when I just want answers). So now I'm back on antibiotics and steroids. My obs/stats were lower this time. She did my BP which was pretty high, my breaths per min were higher this time too. Last time it was around 18, this time it's 24, again, normally much lower.

I feel really unwell. If this doesn't shift or continues, I will have to go into hospital, she told me if it worsens that’s what I’ll have to do. This absolutely terrifies me, because of 2019 and all those times I was admitted as a kid. While I don't have a temperature or fever, I can't seem to regulate my body temp. I'll go from being freezing, to boiling, it's really crappy. I'm so fed up, it's really upsetting me where I just wanna burst into tears, but then can't do that because then I won't be able to breathe properly. This all flipping sucks!!! I just wanna be able to breathe properly. Why can't I do that? Why does my body let me down like this? I’m finding that by, not having clear answers from a doctor does make me anxious, because then I would know what I'm dealing with, maybe not in its entirety. While yes, it's an infection (yet again), but to keep having them like this is not right.

Being triggered at the idea of going to hospital, it's terrifying, truly. I am so scared I'm going to die (different when it's not out of choice). But I really do feel afraid. I've never had so many infections like this before, nor abnormal tests (in all capacities) before either. The idea of being admitted is scary. Having to face the fear of male doctors head on again, something I really don't want to have to do. I don't want to face this, but I might have to if it worsens. Flipping scary as hell. I hate this, I cannot tell you.

I’m not trying to catastrophise all this, or be dramatic, it’s just how I feel. I’m sat on the sofa and getting a full breath in is impossible, I’m wheezing pretty badly, and taking my inhaler doesn’t do a whole lot, simply because I can’t breathe in deep enough for it to have any level of effect. I’m coughing up crap that has streaks of blood in it, which seems to follow the pattern from the last two infections. That scares me so much. I dread having to go to see someone at my doctors practice.