I meditated for over half an hour with my cat sleeping on me. I had many thoughts.. Thinking about how to organize my reality and be comfortable, happy.

How to manage ADHD/impulsivity, money, excitement and then calm, meditative, content...

Because I know of some sort of universal energy...

I wondered about meditating for hours (Or try to) - And I know something strange would happen.. As if I'm tripping or just become completely hyper-aware.. I would then meditate and medicate, expand.. See what is out here..

If I could just pause everything so it all disappears - Because that's what it really is. It's all just my imagination - Decoded electrical signals, hallucinations, brain in a vat etc... And I am a delusional, reactive slave to these hallucinations. I hear that you can't really control anything but you can control how you react... So somewhere in the philosophy that I learned from having derealization, it makes sense.

I wonder really what other people think about.. Like do they realize... And of course that's how it is.. CIA mind control, government making drugs illegal, sugar industry, Big Pharma, the news... And all of these conspiracies get dismissed by very smart people - And for a good reason, because example: People that didn't take the vaccine died of COVID.. Maybe that's just bad luck.

I don't remember what I was really thinking about while meditating. I do know that within the next few weeks, I'll remember at random times (My memory has been getting much better for some reason - Maybe it's the Wellbutrin) - It's like writing your thoughts down on pieces of paper and throwing them into a pile and then throwing them in the air.

- But it's often childhood memories, updating my long term memory, - which is basically what happens in my dreams. My dreams are always about studying in school, being in houses that I've lived in but like alternate realities - But always lessons to be learned in the form of meaning that I have to decode.

I'm feeling OK with living for eternity - I have time to waste, but also only one life right now to live.. so I have to prepare cuz maybe this is some sort of test. No one knows what happens after death - I realized that after learning that the brain releases DMT right before people die.

It brings me closer to wanting to read and block out the world. I just have too much Ne! Extroverted intuition.. I listen to a podcast about someone that has Ne really bad and he just can't seem to be like - a monk (On his spiritual path) or someone that didn't just wing it into enlightenment on a traditional path.. it was always like, - LSD, ketamine trips.. and philosophizing but most importantly, laughing about it all... And in a good way.

I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I would like to be in a place where I knew that i was on the right path like many people say - But I screw up lots. Although I have changed.. I changed a LOT. I talk more, to even really smart people about anything.. I'm more mentally in tune with the rest of the world... My mind sort of reversed itself though... In a Yin Yang type of way. The most cursed blessing.