I am sorry that happened to you and is happening to you.

From unhappy personal experience, I can definitely identify and relate to you although I am not as brave as you when it comes to sharing.

Maybe I am wrong, but I believe there are sometimes underlying psychiatric illnesses involved in SI so I think these can hijack the full use of awareness and freedom of choice . . . can erode deliberateness even when one thinks one is doing something "on purpose."

Coercion is not something restricted to external physical force. Coercion can be internal. And it always destroys the "full" use of freedom and therefore full responsibility.

To be human is to have an almost constant thought stream running through one's mind. In ideal circumstances we can stand outside this thought stream and see it from the outside, so to speak. Ideally we can choose if and when not to take seriously the thoughts popping into our head.

But things are seldom ideal. Sometimes one can be powerfully influenced by things one would never choose to be influenced by if one had full awareness and the full capability for calm deliberation.

Regret is often a powerful sign that some action wasn't made with the full use of awareness and deliberation.

We can exercise our free will without exercising it fully. And things like SI are definitely impediments to the full use of freedom. I say all this so you won't beat yourself up over what happened.

Sometimes the brain has a mind of its own, so to speak and there can be underlying medical reasons for SI.

Clearly what you wrote to today so bravely shows me that the real you is in what you wrote and not in what you did. I hope your therapist will be able to help you if you choose to share what happened although I can definitely understand your trepidation at sharing this.

Wish I knew what to say that would be helpful but sadly I often find myself in similar circumstances and have to take it one day at a time.

I do hope others here with more knowledge, experience and insight will see your post and respond with really helpful words.

I don't know what else to say but that my heart really goes out to you. The fact that you struggle tells me that you are a really heroic person deep down. Even regret is a sign of struggle.