Perna, I love the laundry detergent reference. Unbelievably fitting.

Doh, Exactly! If I can be angry I will not be in danger of allowing him to come back. The thing I want most in the entire world is for someone to take care of me. I think that is the basis of my disorder. As a child my parents were distant, there but not, I want someone to take care of me like they should have when I was little.

What I am afraid of is that if I don't remain angry I will forget what a jerk he is. We are getting along well now that he isn't around to be a jerk. I enjoy going out to dinner with him. It is hard to hold the understanding that he is a cheat in my head when he is being nice to me. I am not strong enough yet. And I so want him to take care of me even though I know he can't. The fantasy is so inticing. Hmm, Maybe that is why I came so close to hurting myself last thursday when I have done so well for the last year and a half. Maybe that was a defense mechanism, trying to create a physical reminder in place of the ability to remember in my head?
Zen