I had open heart surgery and I'm in job training now. I met her in an aa spiritual meeting 3 months ago and she accepted me as I was. Now she is constantly telling me that I'm not her equal. I have 2 3 year spans in aa and now almost one year sober. She has almost one year sober and 11 years prior. We are both retreads. It has become terrible because I can't handle her raccoons she throws at me. I'm getting better but she is quick to punish. She said I was smart enough to find her old kink profile. My response was I was smart enough to find it but I not smart enough to know why people go on there. She said she couldn't help me with that. And that I don't remember why she was on there and I'm mental. She deleted that profile. Who knows if she has more. It said live it up 24/7. I told her I had screen shots of all her interests😢prior to her deleting it to make sure I wasn't crazy. She punished me and didn't talk to me this Friday night. This is the first time she has ever done this to me. The sad thing is that I feel relieved. I never pointed a finger at her and didn't bring up the site in the first place. I just told her what I found and saw after she told me how smart I was for finding it and then ghosted me. I used to blow up her phone because of this stuff. She said she would wake up and read it and be late to work. I stopped that behavior and she says she is late to work still because she couldn't sleep all night. Her ex who was out of the picture texted her. She said he was blocked and that she blocked him again. I feel like she has a double life and I'm really trying to stop that belief because she is determined to make sure I don't believe that. I want to believe her more than anything. She swears it's all in the past. And want's me to have a higher power and stop projecting my past. The kink site has definitely made it difficult. Considering that community is very private and loyal. And her last too boyfriends were into it too. I feel like I'm a way out or a way to have a sense of normalcy for her as she continues kink. She took my ball gag. She put it on like it was normal and said she isn't into that stuff anymore. She said she took it for the art of it as she is an artist. I found all kinds of stuff in her kink bag that wasn't there when I first met her. The sad thing is that she will not be honest and talk or explore these things with me when she clearly had an interest for at least 10 years. I feel so confused. I have a role to play with her. The non sexual loving partner from a distance. Where is the intimacy? Is it possible that a partner doesn't need sex on a regular basis because I want that. I'm trying to love her for her and I don't need to do bdsm. I just want to be a happy couple in peace with regular sex, but it's a cluster. She has complex PTSD. She claims to disregulate late night. She is on a mood stabilizer, and 3 other things. She may have borderline. She also says never complain never explain. And has road blocks on everything about her past. So I dare not go there or else I go to the dog house. Everyday here cosmology changes, and I never know what I'm going to get, but I know she will find chaos somehow. I'm going to await her call today after my 24 hour Friday night full moon punishment and see if we can move forward. I have to be very careful not to react to the horrible things she says. The other day she said she had a sore throat and could sleep. Then said it was a redness around her neck. Sounded like a collar issue. Have you ever heard of a sore throat with a redness on the outside of the neck. I shut my mouth on that one. Why is she torturing me and not leaving me? Why do I care? Is there nicer women out there? How should I react when the she is telling me that she is the most trustworthy, loyal, and monogamous person. This is living hell. She has 100% not been completely honest with me about many things, leading me to assume that she doesn't have to be to be loyal. Or that she'll outright defiantly lie. Or she is so lost that she'll compulsively act out and the shut the door and lie constantly. She is half telling the truth because her ex was married when the met and had a bdsm relationship for years. I am having serious trust issues. One thing is for sure that if I'm with her it's easier to pretend that she is trust worthy and we always have a good night - except for her judgments that can never be satisfied: my living situation, job situation, spiritual situation, therapist and sponsor.. I may get a different sponsor- he is a walking big book but not available much. But I'm keeping my therapist. My lord! She won't even make time to see me. I'm trying to figure out what she wanted from me from the gate. Maybe she thought I was someone else. I really hope she is who she claims to be now.