Dear K,

I'm sitting outside at 9.20 watching the moon. Moonbathing!! The feelings I have for you are so real. If it isn't love, I don't know what it is. Gratitude. Awe. You are the inspirational one, to me, but it was really good to hear you 'say' I am inspirational too. I wish I could really talk to you. I don't think either of us are ready for that though, are we. One day, my dear K, one day.

Things feel very different now to how they did a year ago, for me at least. Personally I feel I am settling into this whole 'knowing you are there but not there' situation and I am doing ok with it. Really, I am. That doesn't mean I will let you go though, I'm afraid. I can't explain it fully but I just can't do that to myself. If you believe in something, never give up on it.

With regards to 'the work', I am moving on. I'm really glad, in a way, that things worked out the way they did. You know I believe the universe has a way of working things out, well maybe the fact that we couldn't get into the trauma work in the first place was because somewhere we both knew we weren't going to be able to finish it. But we did finish the attachment work, I believe. I was talking to someone online this week and I genuinely believe that I came through the other side of that.

An outside might not believe that, given how hard 'losing you' has been for me, but I would stand by the fact that I do think we did complete this phase of the work. It didn't end in a great way, and of course that filled me with grief and indescribable pain, but that doesn't take away from the fact that we really did make enormous strides and I really did turn my life around with regards to all of that.

That said, we did build a genuine connection between us. I know it, and I know you know it too. I saw it in your face that day, and I had heard it in your voice and felt it in your actions way too many times over the years not to be able to believe it.

My attention is now turned to the trauma work. I am trying my damnedest to do this, for me. But that is totally separate, and I'm glad for that.

I have a plan. A grand plan! It's coming up to a year when the chain of events started that led to you leaving. I will send you a card that week. Because I remember. I remember and I want you to know I remember. I'm so sorry for you. Not in an overly sympathetic way, but I'm am honestly caring way.

And then a couple of months after that I plan to write. To really write to you. Open and heartfelt. To lay the new me in front of you, I guess, and see what you do with that. Can we play chess as an open game, rather than a closed one? I'll let you see my hand, and I hope you'll let me see yours.

I love you, K.