Hey there! I’m so glad a discussion board like this exists, I’ve been feeling helpless lately and this is exactly what I need. This is the first time in my life ever using one so bare with me! I know this is long, but I am desperate.

I grew up with a narcissistic father. I had several bad relationships as an adult, and decided I would put a stop to that pattern. After years of therapy, I was able to do so, and met my current husband who was amazing. But now, I’m noticing toxic traits, and I’m not sure if I’m just afraid again or if I’m in the presence of another narcissist. I’m currently terrified, especially since we are expecting our first child.

The traits I am noticing are controlling (ex: telling me I’m doing the dishes wrong just because I’m not washing them the way he would do it), critical (ex: I did not know what ‘cow pie’ was and he asked if I was an idiot), gaslighting (ex: saying something offensive then immediately saying ‘I was just joking’ / ‘I didn’t mean it like that’ / ‘I didn’t say that.’ / ‘I don’t remember that’) and being ignoring conversations. The first couple years, he was always wanting to listen and work on things. I have to admit, I was way too hard on him due to my past, but now when I try to talk to him, half the time he will ignore me or brush me off. If he notices I am distant because of it, he will come to me and try to discuss it later, but usually the conversation goes like this - I’ll tell him something that’s bothering me, he will defend himself for the first 2 mins, then I’ll get mad he defends himself. After that, he will be apologetic and try to find ways to fix things. By that point, I feel so unheard because of the way things started, I’m not interested. This is a toxic pattern, I know.

I want to add, I know he can be a jerk, but he is also very nurturing - he always ensures I am taken care of. He’s already a great father obsessing over the babies nursery. Once he’s done being defensive he always tries to be present and listen - even though it’s too late for me at that point. He also always makes time for me and is and giving. His loyalty has never been a concern and he has never had a problem committing to me. I know that isn’t an excuse, but just want to acknowledge I am not questioning whether he is a good or bad person. I know he’s a good person.

However, we are have a baby coming in 3 months. I love this man, I just need to know - am I with someone you’d fear is narcissistic? Does it seem my past blinding me? I feel lost right now. I know nothing can be diagnosed online, - I have ADHD, BPD and anxiety and those 3 things took 10 years for me to get an official diagnosis. We plan to do therapy, but I just feel like I can’t wait to talk about this and need some support.

If you’ve made it to now, thank you for reading my book lol.