Hello friends,

I recently got out of a relationship of 2.5 years. We were both quite young when we started, I was straight out of high school and she was a junior in high school. Things went great when we lived apart, we went on dates and still hung out with our friends. The jealousy might have been there but the general lack of contact kept it in check. We both had issues, but I assumed that everyone does, because no one is perfect.

The first trials started coming with her mom and dad's divorce. She was shocked at first and her family was on the run from him for a few months, before finally finding a place to settle down after couch surfing. Soon after, her grandpa died. I knew she was in a tough spot, so did my best to support her through texts and phone calls and general affection and spending all my time with her. I was worried about my own mental health from working 60 hour weeks, but still gave a large portion of my time and energy to her after realizing I was being sort of selfish. I slowly started drifting away from my friends at this point.

A few months after this, I bought a project car and began work immediately. I was always working on it, and eventually she came over and would help me do it in any way she could. I definitely bit off more than I could chew, but try telling that to an 18 year old narcissist. I let it sit and sit and sit and stared at it trying figure how to do it without the proper tools. My mom's health slowly deteriorated at this point, just as my ladyfriend was getting over the divorce and adjusting. My mother passed away in August of that year, and I was devastated. Any friends I had were pushed away and fell into a work, work, work mode. My father, disabled, flipped out and was dealing with a lot of grief, and impressed his self-hatred and need to get things done on me. The rest of the family helped when they could, but it was never enough for him. He was very far gone and wanted no happiness around him.

A few months passed and eventually I quit my job to come home and help my dad. We got him moved, talked a lot of stuff out, expressed how much we missed her, and cleaned out the house (we were hoarders). My happiness at this point consisted of Mia and maybe getting to go to the gym in the morning. I was very lazy and didn't get the house packed up as quickly as I should have, but I was going through some stuff. My mother was always the provider and took care of everything- chores, bills, meals, and work. She knew everything I ever had a question on and I am grateful for such a wonderful influence on my life in the first place.

Time flew, and I forgot to mention I had enrolled in college during this time. It gave me something to pass the time, and I always made sure I had all A's. We soon moved in to our new house, with my father still convincing me that there was so much to be done (but everything was so impossible we couldn't do it). Tired of his rhetoric, I decided to get another job and keep going to school. I worked hard, studied hard, and got accepted into an honors society with a transfer scholarship to a private university! My girlfriend had slowly moved in after she had problems living with her mom, and things were great! We were going to go to the same great school next year, we were moving in together, and we had such a deep connection and enjoyed doing things together.

We eventually moved out (both resenting my dad's rhetoric) and moved in together. It was tough at first, but we managed to figure out how to pay bills and such. School started, and I was invested. It didn't quite go how she wanted, and I slowly saw her change. Her anxiety attacks became more frequent and I was so busy that I didn't help as much. I ran XC at the time so I was never home. She always felt so alone she told me. She could barely pass her classes and pay rent. I felt awful. I never expected things to be so tough for her. But I was frustrated. Every time I helped her, it seemed as if I hurt my ability to pay rent or get good grades. I loved her with every ounce of me, but I had to change something.

Winter came. I quit my job and track. Things went well for a few days, but then I saw that she had become busy with work and trying to meet friends. I got a different job soon thereafter and started working. I had very many blowups. I felt alone. I was addicted to porn. I was frustrated that she never had money to pay rent. And I felt like she was making friends when I had left mine behind to spend more time with her.

Eventually she succeeded in making close friends. She was always texting or on the phone with them. The money situation reached an inflection point and I said she should just move in to the dorms. Soon thereafter, she stopped letting me know where she was, and went to some bar in the middle of the state. I was infuriated and lost my **** with her. I broke up with her, then wanted her back. We'd been through so much **** together. How could we have grown so far, over something so.... trivial?

The next weeks were a slog. I thought about her incessantly. I stopped showing up to work because I was depressed. I kept reaching out to her and texting her and getting drunk and thinking about her. We had agreed to space, but then she had broken up with me without saying a word. She said the words 'This isn't a break up' when she left. I just felt so lied to, so cheated, so used. It felt like as soon as I forgave her debts and tried to put her in a situation where we could be happy and free like when we first met, she left. And she just wanted to be a kid and not pay for anything or worry about anything. As soon as she found a few other people to take care of her, she was gone.

I think it got to the point where I was being abusive. I was so damn angry about the money and about her not seeming to be on the same page as me that I yelled a lot. It always felt like something had to ruin my good day with her anxiety. And I was always so tired I didn't want to go to the parties with her that she invited me to, so both of us didn't go. I feel so bad, because I feel like I slowly turned into a buzzkill, like I was her dad or something. But I was being so focused, making things happen so well that I guess I didn't listen to her emotions. I got too self-involved, and then when she was gone, way too needy.

She came to get some of her things yesterday. I made her give the key back 2 days ago and told her to tell me when she was coming next. She came with some dude that I don't know. I yelled at her. I felt okay the day after, like a weight had been lifted. Today I felt like reaching out but didn't. It doesn't feel worth it to try and save anymore. She said she's a different person now, but damn.... All that, just to throw it away....

I need to just accept closure on the issue but I get the gnawing feeling that she's immature or I am so self-absorbed that I lost any sense of her having independence. I don't know. I feel so wronged, but I feel like I have wronged her so much. But then again, no matter who she was living with- her mom, her dad, her family friends, me, my dad, she ended up hating and demonizing all of them for a time. And I am just the most recent. So I am starting to think that I am not the crazy one, and that she just hasn't matured enough to be able to make compromises and ensure she gets what she needs from where she lives without saying anything. I feel as if I have been emotionally abusive, and for that I feel bad, but not unreasonable. I finally sold that project car and have reached out to friends and a therapist to form a support system. We both isolated each other so much, we were afraid and jealous of each other getting stolen.

It is worth noting that when my mother passed I had already became addicted to porn for 2 years. It sounds silly, but it truly felt like an addiction and that's how it went down. I fell deeper and deeper and slowly receded out of it over the past year and a half. Now I have been clean for 3 weeks, but I wonder if that's just relationship shock. It hurt my girlfriend deeply because every time I relapsed she said she felt like she was being cheated on. Towards the end of the relationship, she said she never felt wanted or desired or listened to.

I feel bad, but I don't know if our perceptions of one another have been scarred so deeply that it is worth saving or not. I didn't trust her when she didn't tell me where she was going, and she lost trust in me communicating and telling her how I really felt about her. She thinks I just want to work, work, work, and it's not true. I wanted to feel free again just tricked myself into thinking like my father. She has left, and I truly hope she feels the freedom that she wants. But I do feel wronged, I don't feel like leaving was the way to do it. I feel like she should've put her foot down that I, or we, needed therapy more. Maybe I will be better in the long run because of this, just in the stage that I've accepted the breakup and want so badly to be able to have closure and move on.

I wouldn't be opposed to seeing her again but don't trust her anymore. Maybe this is how she felt the whole time- alone. I just want to know whether my emotions have justification, or if I have a deep selfishness I need to work on. Anyone who has read this far is much appreciated and I would love to hear your thoughts.