I have experienced bullying throughout life. when I was very young it wasn't too bad i had my mothers protection and dedication to helping me and a good medical team (I was born with a condition then rare in babies in the 60's).


Because it wasn't found for so long I also ended up with autism and major issues with dissociation. (also had epilepsy in childhood). so as I grew my 'oddities' became more and more obvious

Although with my mothers help I'd manage to catchup academically enough to avoid a 'special school' no-one seemed to consider emotional/social development as important back in those days.


As long as I wasn't too disruptive and could read and write and do most of the work, sit quietly and answer questions I was close enough to normal to be allowed to stay in a mainstream school! (also influenced by the fact that we lived rurally and the nearest special school was hundreds of miles away)


In a small village school I received enough help and other kids were discouraged from making fun of me but in a huge secondary school with 32 kids per class and thousands in the school overall, you are very much on your own! ..I just did not have the skills to cope or understand the 'unspoken' social rules. No-one made exceptions for 'my difficulties' and teasing was cruel and unforgiving.

Everything I did was pointed out and made fun so I became so hyperaware and paranoid that school became terrifying. I had to 'come out of my own world to survive or more..I 'sent out' someone else to mimic others so I appeared 'normal' and my previous 'imaginary friends' became 'social masks' with their own identities and likes & dislikes (usually the opposite to mine and whatever was popular to be into to at the time).


'I' disappeared and what was left was who people expected to see ..a 'functional drone/social mask' there to 'get through the day'. I could be whoever would get us what was needed to survive and be seen to be progressing but I was never 'me' in front of anyone else again for many years.


The menopause (or peri) 'unmasked' me as I was so exhausted of having to mask by then and the intolerances and changes in mood/behaviour that this stage brings made me feel very 'couldn't care less' The pandemic isolated me further and finally after spending years isolated I felt able to ditch the masks (at least with immediate family) and just avoided anyone I'd have to 'mask up' for.


I definitely think bullying hugely affects a person's psyche and development and relationships. I never married I didn't want kids who would grow up to make fun of me,neither did I want to find myself trapped in an abusive relationship I couldn't get out of. I don't like meeting people face to face and my first thought is usually 'what are they capable of doing to me if I let them get too close', so I have no real life friends.



I'm not necessarily 'happy' alone but I'm safe from others and my beloved dogs give me the type of unconditional love I got from my mother in childhood.

Sadly she had cancer in my late teens (when it was still very much a death sentence back then) and when I was still far from ready to take on the world without her.


We didn't know I had autism back then, although it was suspected in college but not officially diagnosed until many years later after a 'mental breakdown'

I suspect I have some form of dissociative disorder too and have always had but have no interest in going through hell (or 'therapy' as the real world calls it) to 'prove it' and just end up heavily medicated!

I've never been medicated for it just learnt to control it/hide it when I needed to (in front of others).