I don't want to bash anyone with depression, or spin this in a purely negative light.

That isn't my intention.

I think my wife is a good person, and she has endured a lot of pain and illness and personal loss, including family and career.

She is in a real depressive state, and has been for a long time.

We are at a point where there is nothing I can ask for that isn't regarded as a criticism.

Can take a turn to drive the kids to school because I have to be at work early is taken as a criticism.

If I call from work to make sure she is awake is also a criticism, even though she frequently sleeps through alarms and doesn't wake until mid afternoon many days.

Saying, can you please dump out your take out coffee and put the cup in the garbage instead of placing it in the sink caused a fight for a full week. She looked for anything she could to tear me down to counter what I said.

I have been blamed for her illness, for her career, for inability to complete school and retrain, and am frequently blamed for distance between us. Over a year ago I began sleeping in another room. This was after multiple late nights of me being blamed for multiple things and getting told to leave our room.

This past month she has really openly vulnerably asked me to start sleeping in our room again. I did. And every night I was there, I was asked to leave for some reason OR she did things like leave the light on and eat late into the night (after 1AM, with me getting up at 6am) until I had to leave.

ANYTHING I ask is regarded as a profound criticism. But I can be be cursed out and personally insulted.

And, though I have requested counselling, she won't go.

And I still love her. There are things I want and need in my life from her.

How do you talk to someone who is that low?

Thanks for any ideas.

RDM