I was sooooo depressed the last three days. I hadn’t told RS bc I knew he’d be very upset as I’ve only been out of the hospital for a week but I had to bc my clinician was going to call him. He was indeed very upset and mentioned taking off to Florida to live if I went back to the hospital.

I know he was not serious but this is the second time he’s said something like this. But I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t actually do it. I know how hard it must be to care for me in this state. I told him he’s not alone in feeling that way and lots of caregivers feel the exact same way. So much so that there are many support groups for different types of carers. I know that NAMI used to run one for people caring for others with serious mental illness and they probably still do. RS would never go though. He knows what he said was a little hurtful and apologized immediately.

I know I’m not doing everything I can to help myself either and now I feel guilty about that. I have to admit my (possible) trauma actually did happen But it’s so scary…it will be so painful. See I can’t even write definitely here.

I did at least write about it in my journal which I haven’t been able to do so that’s a start.

I’m feeling better today so far, I’ll probably feel like crap at program but as long as I feel better when I come home it won’t be so bad.

Oh some good news - we got our new mattress yesterday and I did not wake up in unbearable pain today! I stretched my back out before I got out of bed and it did not scream at me when I put my feet on the floor lol. Of course I did not sleep on my back, and I must do that when my wedge pillow comes in (I’m snoring again bc I gained a lot of weight :-/) so hopefully it will continue to feel better. It’s pretty wrecked from those hospital beds.