I reached out to my abuse advocate today to schedule a call. I am going to now follow up to receive support and help in navigating my circumstances and relationship. There's a number of logistical reasons why I cannot leave him right now, and largely it's financial. And I am wondering if this is the beginning of me going down that path again. I am not happy with how he has behaved lately and now he's being mr lovey dovey and I am just simply wary of him and feel standoffish. He got to explode on me, so to speak, and I am still reeling from the harsh criticisms, anger, projections and false accusations I received from him.

I am also in a position at work where I could lose my job. If I lose my job, then I definitely have no means to leave him anytime in the near future.

I have reached out to a couple more therapists as well. I had no luck with one I just spoke with the other day. So I am still seeking a strong individual therapist for myself and a good couples therapist for us.

I also re-joined an abuse forum on Facebook for women in abusive marriages. Several women falsely assumed he's a narcissist, simply because he exhibits some of those traits. He can empathize and so I don't believe he's truly a narcissist.

Right now I don't know how to feel. Yesterday, I was super down spirited, about work and about my relationship. I cannot really take any more. I don't feel strong enough to handle a lot of stress and upset.

And the thought of leaving him again brings up many different emotions. I don't know if I can go through another complete upheaval in my life. Separation and divorce is enormously stressful and difficult emotionally. I just don't know if I can face all that all over again.