My Support Forums - View Single Post - Reflecting on unexpected Therapist response

Orwellian Nightmare · Apr 23, 2022 at 11:25 AM

My SO (now separated) and I tried counselling about a year prior to my moving out of the home we shared with our two little ones.

Reflecting on that particular counselling experience is unsettling because of the associated feelings of utter uselessness and failure. I managed to make our T angry to the point of yelling at me. All through the 9 months of therapy I felt unhappy with how things were being conducted. Its was a time of personal upheaval for me within both marriage and between my mother and I, so I wasn't in a great place. However I still haven't reconciled my feelings re the sessions. I'd greatly appreciate any perspective you'd care to offer.

My SO arranged the online counselling out of desperation, in the hope of finding a way through the impasse we’d reached. I had previously tried individual therapy and was happy to have someone mediate for us. The sessions were OK yet as time went on my frustration grew. I began to suspect a bias in favour my SO. She was very frustrated, and was able to articulate those frustrations succinctly. On my part I had either spent a lot of time actively avoiding subjects or had never seriously considered them and this was reflected in my responses. I could be vague at times.

I felt the T had a sensitivity to my partner that wasn’t apparent in my exchanges with her. She would often ask my SO to expand upon ideas - I was NEVER, not even once in 9 months, encouraged to explore anything I brought to the sessions. She would express solidarity regarding various ideas (for example my SO was unable to contemplate sex whilst things were difficulty between us - the T responded by saying: ‘I can completely understand that’). Most distracting for me was the feeling that nothing I brought was of value. The only time I was asked for my opinion was in response to something from my SO. This continued and I struggled with it until I consciously initiated one session with something I felt very strongly about - I forget now what it was. In response the T acknowledged me then immediately asked my SO if she had anything else to bring!

This was probably the moment my faith in the T and the sessions plummeted. It was also the moment I decided that I wasn’t imagining things, I honestly felt there was more to this. I felt utterly sidelined and, as I mentioned, as though nothing I brought was of value. I couldn’t go on feeling this way and wanted to raise the issue. The following session I, as gently as possible, gave voice to my concerns. I referenced the prior week’s experience and disclosed that I was feeling unsettled.

Without missing a beat the T, now with raised voice and barely concealed irritation shouted: ‘Are you calling me unprofessional…ARE YOU CALLING ME UNPROFESSIONAL!!?’.

I was mortified and had no response prepared. My SO was silent but clearly upset.
The following week the T suggested a kind of reset and noted that ‘We all make mistakes’. However, nothing changed over the following sessions. Everything I have noted above was still in effect. Ultimately I raised my concerns again, this time somewhat more directly and confessed that I might be unable to continue because this had now become a question of trust. A short time later we had our final session.

I have wrestled with the memory ever since.
I feel I let myself and my SO down.
I have questioned whether I was being too sensitive. I regret giving voice to my concerns.

My SO subsequently conceded the sessions felt more like individual therapy rather than us working together - to a degree this validated my experience. Yet I’m haunted by, not only the fact of bringing a T to the point of anger, but also that I may have utterly misjudged the sessions themselves.

I’m aware that counselling comes in many flavours, theories, etc.
I know very well that Ts are not robots but human beings.
I must also allow for the fact that at the time I was not in a good place, I have my own issues and can quickly feel isolated if my needs are not being met.

Yet, I have long regarded therapy as a ‘safe’ space. Our T reassured us that we could bring whatever we wanted to explore. Even if I had totally misjudged the situation, giving-in to my own personal insecurities, if someone raises a concern, however bizarre, is that not worthy of consideration? It may offer a window onto some underlying issue between the couple, after all.

I’m still like WTF happened there.
So I ask you, WTF just happened?