I first experienced tough love with being new every two to four years, thanks to having to move homes.
Then, I experienced local girls, who enjoyed gender normative dolls, dresses, and activities that I didn't.
Then, I experienced molestation, which I cannot discuss anywhere, because I whine, nobody cares, and "all kids do that stuff"
I experienced my family psychologically bullying me for not having a sweeter voice, and for daring to use it for any reason that might disrupt the silence at dinner tables.
I experienced my mother reading my diary (guess she buypassed the security device lol), at the kitchen table, before i went to school. That one always made me wonder why the timing, like what could one honestly discover just before i run to the bus stop>
I experienced being punished by shopkeepers who thought I stole from them in a country I didn't know.
I experienced non-fatal strangulation for the duration of the night hours post connundrum, with parent, who I guess I keep dwelling on this trauma in particular, but it's the most difficult to shake. It taught me that not only did I have to leave home immediately to correct whatever was wrong with me, but I will never forget how fragile life can be...when my asthma was dying to go crazy, and I still don't know how the hell I stood against the wall that long. I honestly still don't understand what the game was that he was playing or the exercise in psychological growth or tough love I was supposed to learn, but I knew and know without a doubt, there was nothing behind my parent's eyes at the time. If you are being strangled by someone who owns you, is twice your size, and literally can dispose of you without any hassles, I mean, the only choice is to keep staring at death until either he or you weaken.

So, yeah, lots of that stuff, nothing outside of home was ever worse than home.
My family still has trouble believing any of this aspergers stuff is more than a ploy for attention, and laziness.

I still make the effort, because, well, there have to be more of us out here. I humiliate and shame my family if I am honest about the past, but I waited decades, and still, it's like it just happened, and I'm still the theif, the liar, the deviant, the one who is capable of harming my family.

When I lived in Houston, close to Houston, back in the day with my folks, because of course I still thought I could learn/earn my degree, get a job, sigh, anyway....one time we were not able to communicate and my mother picked up the phone out of simple rage, no detailed concept here, she just ran lifted it up like the liberty torch and said, if you do A, B, or C, I will call the cops on you. I was hurt, confused, but above all thought, WHY THOUGH? Because you don't like having to live with or help or deal with me anymore? I was never violent to anyone besides myself. All she said, was it would be your word against mine. So, plot thickens, as does blood, when your family threatens you for being mentally ill or disagreeable, and clearly having broken no law.....I was definitely wild and young then, but then I was raised to sit at dinner quietly and not say anything unless someone asked me something, otherwise I was just trying to get attention or being a nuisance.

There was bullying in the beginning, and it will go on until the end of my life, because some of us don't have the luxury to decide. Some of us signed away our rights, for whatever reason, so maybe someday the universe could introduce them to some very popular hypothetical ob viously new age group in their neighborhood, so they don't feel threatened nor blamed, embarassed, or that i will even be involved, and they could seek some help or process some of their personal stuff.

James Corden was my hero for doing a wicked piece on how us fat folks, don't need a reminder that we need to be shamed.
Some of us live with such shame, when we speak directly or try to make eye contact to our loved ones, it feels like I really must have stolen something important, like hey lydiamarilyn, after all this time energy and money, you still f'n bother me? What do you want from me?

And then I take my medication as I promised a distant relative, and I carry on. I went to every clinic, hospital, treatment, therapy, I went without question, and on some occasions yes, very hostile, because I got *****y because my family stays strong, and I lose everyone I meet.

I got bullied out of my university, but I was not enough of an advocate to stick it out, I guess as I age, I get weaker. lol. In some ways, not in others.

I have heard and seen many horrible behaviors, and I am not Stockholming, but my family will always be my family. I value a place to share my story without involvng them, but I know I made a wise choice as a teenager. I left home or I would have taken that pain and trauma out on more people than the ones who I spend everyday trying not to self harm over having treated so poorly as a product of so much abuse that I thought was just the way of the world.

Well, I don't know if that post really helped, but maybe someday I'll feel better, or make them happier, or get the proper help for aspergers, instead of being able to list the potential options within any english pharmacopia or BF publication, before my mental health team makes a new suggestion.

IF YOU ARE BEING BULLIED IN ANY WAY, HOLD ON, HOLD ON, IT'S IN KIPLING, AND IT'S THE ONLY PART I KEEP UP WITH...
if it just ended, if you are unable to sleep, if you have to walk extra blocks to school, if you wish these people would find a more meaningful pastime than hurting you, PLEASE HOLD ON! The world needs you way more than you think. xxoo LM