I went for a long walk while listening to a good podcast (Lex Fredman on existentialism). I decide to live...

Cuz if you're in a hotel room and say "This room sucks", you explore other rooms - And I can't know everything - Although traumatic things about reality makes me think I do..

But we know nothing about the universe... Nothing is really the same - Everything is just an idea... patterns.. All a big puzzle that we are in...

I plan to exercise more. I should try mountain biking this Summer, on my own (Cuz I have no one to go with..) but I can go hiking with my mom and her friends.. I want to start running too.

I'll see my psychiatrist next week.. I'll up the Wellbutrin to dopamine reuptake inhibition levels (Instead of just norepinephrine) and switch completely to Dexedrine.

On the podcast, they were talking about certain chemical states of mind.. "Do you want to live or commit suicide?" would be the question to a person with severe depression, and he/she would say "It doesn't matter" - Deep bad state of mind.. I was in similar to it yesterday (Because of weed) -

- So I'm gonna quit weed and alcohol for a year (Random time limit that I'll stick to). I don't need these drugs anyways. They do nothing good for me. I only smoked weed to concentrate and have more self/world-awareness. But it turns me apathetic, unmotivated, parkinsons.

The alternative was mentioned as, "Hits of dopamine from simple pleasures in life - Over even mundane things" like "Noticing my glass of water is very cold, taking a sip, wonderful" - That's how I am sometimes... I feel like the stim dose change would bring out a placebo on top of actually increasing dopamine.

Then I'll lower the Invega Trinza during the next appointment after this... I think I really, honestly -... don't need it!

We'll be driving back home - I'll visit my little sister and then we go. Back to the mountains and rivers/lakes....