(...) I saw therapy as some kind of help to grow. Since I am not among the young anymore, I felt I had done my part of growing. But there it lies, that I am not young anymore. We grow up and have to deal with whatever childhood we had. In addition there is all the holes in social competence (what to talk about, music, society or whatever). What others got of no cost in their homes while growing up, some of us has to set apart time to learn later. I did, believe me, I really did when I was in the student age. It takes a lot of time and comes on the top of busy days with study/work, childrearing, being a partner and so on. Nobody who has not gone through something similar understands about the costs of recovering from a hurtful past.

In my life, after I felt that the psychological job was done, somebody hurt me so badly as a grown up and that took away years of my life that could have been good. At the top came the isolation for almost two years due to Covid. I think that what I am experiencing now is about having missed continuing opportunities to be social and to learn more about social competence. I can talk about the Beatles and those sort of "things", but I lack more recent competence. One of my best friends has died during these two last years. I feel that I do not fit in, now. To suddenly being together with people with other standards then mine, is what has made this depression break through.

I feel a bit better today, but am glad I ordered an appointment with my former therapist. We will have to sort out where I can belong, feel accepted, and how to behave when I have to attend groups that I do not fit into.

Sorry for the long rant, but it felt strange to suddenly be in a "I wish to die" state. To know that I soon will be able to talk to a therapist that already knows me from before is a relief.