don't normally post often, but think that i probably should...

may TRIGGER............. TRIGGER WARNING

for those of you who don't know about me i'll give a little background... i'm 20 year's old and live with my parents and two brothers... i have DID from years of different types of abuse... have been sexually abused by a babysitter the kids she was watching, my best friends stepdad, and my brother from the age of 3 till now... (not everything at the same time)... i've been physically abused by my father and the people mentioned above... and i've been emotionally abused by my parents, both brothers, and the above mentioned people... no one believes me about the sexual abuse but i could have proved it to them... but i destroyed the evidence... i could have proved that my brother r*ped me but no i had an abortion and got rid of the evidence... hate myself for not asking them to run DNA test but i couldn't afford that and i don't think we (the whole system) could handle that... my youngest alter that comes out most frequently (artemis) knew before me that we were pregnant and she also knew that it was the brothers before we had a sonogram to find out how far along we were... which the sonogram told us that we were 9 weeks and 6 days and i had only been with my bf for about 7 weeks... no way it could be his... means that it had to be the brothers... can't believe myself... should have done something... haven't even tried to tell my parents that my brother r*pes me again... but here it was right under their noses in their own house that i get r*ped and impregnated by their son... who is younger than me who has been m*lesting me since i was about 7 and r*ping me since i was about 13... he is 2 years and 4 months younger than i am and he knew what he was doing OMG...
really hate myself right now for not doing DNA test but oh well the past is the past i guess i will continue to beat myself up about this until i leave this envioronment but am afraid to my family mad by moving they will yell at me and tell me to get the F*^%$ out but then in the same breath they want me to do a million things for them so that i don't leave... makes no sense to me... and am not sure if i can trust my bf or not... but oh well... don't really trust anyone and when i start to trust people one of "us" pushes away with such ferosity that the people leave and am to that point with my bf and my surragote mom that lives in another state... but they aren't budging... which i appreciate, but don't really understand most people would be gone by now saying that it was my fault that they left... ok done ranting for now...
sass