Sounds like you are doing good things, Desoxyn, sometimes it takes our emotions a while to catch up to the good things we are doing for ourselves. I know because I've been having trouble with my emotions too but I am feeling more balanced this week, more at peace. I'm lucky because I have a really good friend to talk to everyday that listens to me. I've never met such a good listener.

I hope your psychiatry appointment will go well. I am dreading mine in June because I stopped two medications cold turkey and did not tell my pdoc. I guess I will have to tell him. Other than the catatonia that I had for three days I think everything was okay. I feel fine without them. Maybe just a little anxious.

50 things on your gratitude list! That's impressive! I can probably come up with like 10. More if I name people that I am thankful for.

I'm glad you are going hiking next week. You seem to enjoy it. Yeah, getting through work sucks. But we just keep on keeping on you know! And one day we make it through. We can't give up. We gotta stick together and keep up the good fight.

I love your cat, even though I have never met her. She sounds so freaking awesome! I love all the kitty cats. Amelia is chill, but skittish too. I have to catch her in the right moments so I can pet on her. Usually when she just wakes up is a good time because she is all chill from sleeping and she is all sweet and mellow and not freaked out. Helen is a little rascal. She likes to get her pets in though. Kitty cats are the best!

Yeah I kind of see what you are saying about schizophrenia being an illusion. I wonder about that myself. There are times when I feel really well and I think this is all some alternate reality and then the times when I am really messed up I think this must be some awful alternate reality. I don't know who I really am because of the schizoaffective disorder. Everything is fake or everything is really real. It's hard to tell. Listen to the voices, believe the visions, or disbelieve everything I hear and see.

I wish God would talk to me more. I'm trying to hear Him. I'm doing all the right things but He is distant from me right now. Still I keep believing and going to Church and praying.

I don't know what Solipsism is. I am really religious though. My upbringing was in the Church. If the doors were open, we were there. I am still in Church like three times a week.

Your Mom sounds really smart. My sister has a PhD. I just have a Master's. I don't think I am smart enough for a PhD. Plus I don't want more student loans. But maybe when I retire, I will go back to school and get a PhD in Medieval History or something freaking radically awesome like that. Who cares that it is impractical.

There's some good meditations online. But I like to just meditate on Scripture to be honest. It calms my soul. In Group therapy when Shelly was leading it we would do a mediation each time. That was cool but Ray isn't into it and we don't do meditations with him. Still we have music therapy and that is pretty awesome. Last night we wrote lyrics. Like writing a poem. She played Lofi music though which I'm not into and it was kind of annoying me.