Your situation is not entirely unlike mine. My DH is the depressed one who is not very functional and is over reactive to everything. There is no discussing anything with him on a rational level and it's been that way for years now. I'm so burnt out.

By some miracle, things are changing. He's finally in therapy and just started on meds. A year ago I couldn't have imagined that as a possibility. He comes from.a family that rejects psychology completely. I still don't have hope that this will be enough.

The most helpful things to me for getting to this point have been boundaries, learning about codependancy, and also learning about borderline personality. I'm not certain dh is borderline, but a lot of the reactivity is the same, so I find a lot applicable. The boundaries were the most important as they gave me the mental tools to put his stuff in his figurative court and keep mine in mine. Just doing that has forced him to take more responsibility for his ownership in his problems. I've learned to hold the line and make him accountable in a way that doesn't allow him to drag me into overeactive land or turn things around on me.

I get what you're saying about the kids too. It's awful for them, but situations can be a lot more complicated than people realize. I would have walked away four years ago, but nobody would have believed me about what he was doing. I figured I'd probably lose my kid (complicated story) and couldn't take that chance. As my kid gets older, it gets easier and she doesn't have delusions about him or idealize him. So... Whatever.

I held out hope for a long time about recapturing my best friend and the great relationship we had, but now there's been too much water under the bridge. Things can never be the same. I have no idea what my future looks like. It's hard. It sucks. Best of luck to you.