Not wanting to diagnose on here and be chastised for doing so but I had similar thoughts as a previous poster. People that I personally happened to know who behaved like OP’s wife and some people I know were married to people with these similar behaviors had personality disorders (formally diagnosed) , in particular BPD.

But again first of all not here to diagnose but second of all if she refuses therapy and treatment, there isn’t much help to know her real diagnosis, whatever that diagnosis is.

I do have a concern that a person suffering abuse as long as OP might develop PTSD. I know someone who eventually escaped abusive marriage when children were grown and out of the house, but they are now diagnosed with pretty severe PTSD and it’s mostly due to enduring abuse.

And the last point even if OP doesn’t believe what is happening is abuse, it IS abuse. It is abusuve marriage. Eventually it will take its toll on OP and his children. The damage is inevitable no matter how you look at it.

Sadly children pay the price when parents choose (or parent have no other options but stay) to stay in abusive marriages. It’s understandable though that it’s also dangerous to end it while kids are young because if the abuser gets full or partial custody, they’ll be alone with the kids and you aren’t there to be a buffer. They might start taking their anger on kids if you aren’t there to serve as a scape goat. So there is a lot at play here.