Quote:
Originally Posted by Starlingflock
Been married over twenty years. Been a tense relationship with dysfunction. Still, there’s a lot of love between us. How it all adds up, don’t know.
I’m trying to repair the relationship or end it. He wants to hang on and not change anything. Or he says he needs more time before he can do anything about his marijuana addiction. Being high comes first every day.
He’s been doing minimal addiction therapy that hasn’t seemed to make any difference yet. Hasn’t been doing the therapy long, but took a very long time to start it. Had maybe 6 sessions and no change, doesn’t say a peep about the therapy. Spent at least $270 on weed in the last ten days. Always high,
I try to talk to him about things and he doesn’t respond. At all. Or he’ll say leave him alone or he’ll say who am I to demand things
He just wants to keep things like this. I tell him there’s a problem and he just denies it everytime.
I guess it’s not about repairing the relationship because it was probably broken from the start. I don’t know how I could love someone so much who has treated me poorly. Have I treated him poorly too?
But I guess he is happy how it is and thinks I’m trying to call the shots and wants to put his foot down and have me go along with things the way they are. We no longer have intimacy except hugs and kisses and I love yous everyday.
I don’t know what to do exactly. I could ask him to move out, but I keep hoping something will change.
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Hello Starling
My heart really goes out to you.
I want to disclose right away that I'm a separated man who personally struggled with marijuana dependency/loss of intimacy and was utterly unable to see the damage his behaviour was doing to the family. Your post resonated with me on a deeply personal level.
You ask: Why am I like this? I believe you are the only person who can honestly answer that question.
FWIW, I'd like to offer my own perspective based on some of the things you mentioned which relate to my experience. I have no answers, only my perspective.
Firstly I want to urge caution with regard use of the word 'Addict' or 'Addiction' relating to his marijuana use. I feel that, for some people, this can lead to confusion regarding how and why marijuana
might be consumed. I wonder if 'Dependency' is a more appropriate phrase?
Only yourself and your partner know the intimate details of your lives. From my own experience, I used marijuana for years as an emotional crutch/way to avoid intimacy. That's my story. However, I'd be very curious to learn a little of his past and to dig deeper into why he feels he needs to use so heavily. The fact that his most significant relationships are failing, and he's unable to respond ,suggests a deep-rooted denial which, I would guess, marijuana helps mitigate to some degree.
I also want to challenge the notion that he won't change. No one can tell you that with certainty. You don't need me to tell you, of course, but the change can only come from him. Marijuana use can be stopped (I stopped after the shock of separation and never went back to it) or reduced. It
might take therapy, then again it might just take his own willingness to change and willpower to achieve.
I know heavy marijuana use can lead to emotional withdrawal and introspection. Based solely on the details you share it sounds like he has aspects of these. Again from my own exp, rationalising with him (our marriage! the children! the family home! your health! etc, etc), although understandable, might be futile.
I'm going to stop short of telling you what you should do but some details mirror those of my own marriage: You suggest there has always been difficulty in your relationship. You appear to have made unsuccessful attempts to save your marriage via therapy etc You have supported him for a long time. There's still a closeness yet a chasm between you. There is a child.
Ultimately my wife could no longer put my emotional need/demands before those of the kids and herself. One day she told me I had to leave. It was a terrible shock yet also a personal awakening. Perhaps the best thing she could have done for all of us.
Some very tough decisions present themselves in your case. From the sound of things, it'll be YOU making them as he is currently unable to. Whatever happens it'll demand sacrifice, emotional strength and perhaps sheer force of willpower.
DO foreground the needs of you and your little one in whatever decisions or actions you take - I can't stress this enough. This isn't to suggest you ignore your partners needs, however. It's a balance you'll have to consider for yourself. But everyone's well-being has to be accounted for in particular the little one.
We're all here to support you.