Agreed. I've endured an abusive marriage and abusive relationships. I know that subtle and "unintentional" harm can still do an awful lot of damage.

Are you mostly staying there in the home with her because of the children? It's a commendable thing, naturally. But I worry what the children could be learning is acceptable behaviour (on your wife's part). Also, I'm concerned about what they are being taught about boundaries, and just how much you should be tolerating from her.

You've been writing about this situation for awhile, and nothing much has changed. It's distressing to think about.