The thought of having a person come over for a fix up job isn't making me any happier either because it means I'm going to have do so much cleaning of this place when I was kind of hoping to get away. I'm just mad at life. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to be spending at least half of this month feeling pretty upset. I can't seem to do anything much about my restlessness today. I just hated it when I was trying to find something a bit earlier and never found it. I guess it's meant to be the story of my life. Part of me feels like I don't care to find anything again because well it seems like I have always failed. I'm just mad because I was expecting better than this and I feel so powerless to be able to do much of anything about it. I hate myself for feeling like this. I'm starting to think talk wouldn't solve anything. I feel like I'll have to force something good to happen or otherwise, I'm afraid I'll feel madder than ever. I'm surprised anything good comes out of all the upset I have had. I'm starting to think of wanting to run away because that's how powerless I seem to be.