I've had a lifetime of chronically recurrent depressive episodes. I think that has made me less resilient in the face of some major stressors.

Saturday I went by ambulance to the hospital extremely Ill. My 6th bout of diverticulitis, but way, way worse than all the others. I was septic and had a very low blood pressure (a sign of impending shock.) And I was in horrible pain. For 3 days, I couldn't get out of bed or eat or drink. But on Tues I was improved. Yesterday I was eating and not too uncomfortable. Just weak. They discharged me. I was glad.

Today, I felt way sick again, with constant nausea, even though I had pills for that. I barely can walk to the bathroom. I feel so distressed. I can't even describe it. I'm alone.

I'm too sick to be depressed. But I keep thinking I would rather be dead than go through this again.

Maybe I will recover and feel differently about my life. I never went through anything this bad. I am well aware that people go through much worse. I don't have the makeup for those heroics. I'm a coward who can't stand pain and physical distress. I was just in the hospital in July with severe anemia. They say I have a chronic, slow GI bleed. I don't want this body anymore.