I think it is obvious to almost anyone who has been posting here in the last couple of days that I definitely have a lot of issues that need to be worked out in therapy.

I only started therapy in November, for the 2nd time around. My first therapist and I didn't click. I didn't like her style, that doesn't mean that my current therapist agrees with me on everything because that is certainly further from the truth. We just have a better reportee.

Anyway, initially we started out by dealing with whatever happened since my prior appt and I was seeing her every 2 weeks. Inevitably there was *always* something that I was dealing with, mostly with family members.

A few weeks ago, I asked to see her every week because I felt it would be more beneficial for me, with which she had no problem. Unfortunately, I went about a 6 week span where she was on vacation and I was left to my own devices and that was definitely not a good thing as I really haven't learned any coping skills yet.

As I said, we started by dealing with whatever had happened in my life between appointments. Last week when I was there she asked me everything that I hoped to accomplish in therapy. Geez, my list was endless. I have several traumas in my life that have never been dealt with and I'm know that they have a great impact on how I react to situations today ie: abandonment, rejection, lack of trust, feeling unloved, etc etc etc. I could probably go on forever.

I also mentioned to her that I have a severe lack of self-esteem and putting myself down, which had become apparent to her very early in my treatment. And of course there is my issue of not having any coping skills.

She thought we should start with my first trauma in my life, so we did. Caught me off-guard as I had no idea prior to walking into her office that we would be dealing with it. We certainly didn't get anywhere near finished with it and I also got some help here in the PTSD forum on the issue that I blamed myself even though I was a child at the time.

But now I'm thinking we should really change gears and drop the trauma issue for the time being and first work on my total lack of self-esteem. That's right, it's not low self-esteem, it is NO self-esteem. I'm seriously thinking of discussing this with her on Monday, which is my next appt.

So, after that long bit of rambling, I'd like to get opinions from others here. What do you think is the logical area that I should be working on in therapy right now? What do you think would be the most beneficial for me to deal with before anything else? I would also like to hear why you choose whatever you do as well.

Some people have told me that you really can't love anybody else until you can love yourself. I totally disagree with that. I have a LOT of love to give someone, I guess I just don't know how to give it properly and I tend to smother the person. I am NOT self-centered as some people think me to be, that is a great misunderstanding of my actions, whether those people want to be open to that or not.

So, I'm REALLY hoping that this thread won't be read by 50 people or more and only replied by a couple of people as a lot of my threads are for some reason. I *really* need some constructive opinions.

Also, if you agree with me that I should drop the trauma for now and switch over to my lack of self-esteem, I would like to hear how others here have dealt with this problem themselves because I highly doubt that I am the only one here with this problem.

So, PLEASE fire away. I'm looking for some real constructive advice and hoping that you won't just read this and move onto the next thread.

Thanks! Oh and btw, I'm not looking to be bashed, I'm looking for constructive opinions. There is a difference.

So?????????? (BTW, sorry this is so long, I've never been good with 'short and sweet', I usually write novels )

Oh, and as a reminder for those who don't know I have been dx with:

BPII with ultra rapid-cycling which means my cycles can switch several times a day without any warning, PTSD, SAD, Anxiety and God knows what else, but I'm sure there's more and I'm just forgetting at the moment.

So, please give this baby-work-in-progress some of y'alls good advice.

Oh, and just one more thing. It is obvious that my mood-stabilizer is not doing much for me, something I have already talked to my pdoc about several times. When I see her next week, I will be far more adament about that.

I NEED TO MAKE SOME REAL CONCRETE POSITIVE CHANGES IN MYSELF AND IT'S JUST NOT HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.