Dr. T yesterday. He was wearing a gray plaid button-down shirt, untucked, with blue jeans and tennis shoes (seems to be his basic uniform since returning in person, aside from a hoodie and shorts one session). We made some small talk about the cold, rainy weather.

Then I said I kept meaning to ask him something, but was sort of afraid to, not knowing what his answer would be. He looked a bit anxious. Me: "So, I know you wouldn't do this now, but do you ever see yourself letting me sit in my old spot on the couch [closer to his chair] or allowing handshakes again?" Dr. T: "Ever, like in the rest of my career?" Me: "Yes, I figured if I went for 'ever', there was a better chance you wouldn't say no."

He said he was concerned about rising Covid case numbers in our area right now. But that he hoped there would eventually be a time that we wouldn't be concerned about that, when I could just sit wherever I wanted. With the handshake, he said he had to shake someone's (not a client) hand yesterday and felt weird until he could use his "hand goop."

I said I understood he wouldn't want to start handshakes now, but I was a little afraid that he'd decided he didn't want to have to touch clients anymore, so he could just stop (he's admittedly "not a touchy-feely person," but then neither am I really). He said no, he wasn't thinking that. Me: "I mean, I was thinking I could offer to put on my mask and sanitize my hands first." Dr. T: "Wow, this must really mean a lot to you if you're willing to do all that."

Me: "Well, now I feel sort of weird about it. Like I'm afraid if it means something to me, that you won't be willing to do it anymore." Dr. T: "Can you explain what it means to you? Is it a ritual thing?" Me: "Uh, partly ritual, I guess?...And if it was a difficult session, the handshake can feel sort of grounding, in a way. Or if I shared something that I'm ashamed about, then...it's like, OK, a human is still willing to touch me, like I'm not too disgusting for that. And I know we don't do this anymore, but back when I'd give you my credit card at the end, it was nice to have a more personal connection after a business transaction. Does that explain it better?" Dr. T: "Yes, it does." Me: "It's not too weird?" Dr. T: "No, I just wanted to understand." Me: "Good."

I forget how I got here--I guess the human contact thing? I said I knew he didn't hug clients, but that if there was a session where I would have wanted a hug, it would have been Wednesday of the previous week, when I was really upset about D's assessment report. I said I had thought about saying the next session how I'd wished I could have had a hug the previous session but knew it wasn't possible (even outside of Covid concerns). But I was afraid of how he'd react. Dr. T: "I think that could have led to a good discussion between us, if you'd shared that." Me: "OK, I guess I should have just mentioned it. I was just afraid just you'd say something like, 'You know I don't give hugs,' and then I'd feel shamed for bringing it up." Dr. T: "No. Now if you had actually asked me for a hug, that might have led to a conflict between us." Me: "Oh. OK. I wouldn't have done that though." Dr. T: "I know."

(I realized after session that I should have clarified what he meant there, and I might do that next week. Did he mean he'd be bothered because I asked for something I knew he wouldn't be willing to give? And that would be the conflict? Or did he mean that his saying "no" would have led to me being upset, and that would be the reason for the conflict? Or something else?)

I said I had this thought that if he had allowed a hug, he'd have been like, "Hang on a second," then turned and put on a full gas mask. Dr. T: "Then I'd have grabbed my arm extensions." Me: "Ha, I was just about to say you were going to grab some sticks to hold."

He pointed to a small stuffed animal one the table at the end of the couch: "Blue bear is open for hugs. See, he has his arms stretched open and everything. I've had clients hug him." Me: "Really, they've actually hugged him?" Dr. T: "Yes, some have, if they want a hug. Didn't you have some sort of stuffed animal transitional object from ex-MC?" Me: "Yes, but it's not like he gave it to me, it was one of D's discarded stuffed animals." Dr. T: "Ah."

We shifted to talking about my D. Quick background that she's already diagnosed as autistic and ADHD, but they recently did some additional assessments at her school and have concluded that she also has an intellectual disability. Which is something I'm having difficulty dealing with/accepting.

I said I was trying to think about it in another way. And I shared a thought I had that I was afraid was going to seem really awful (to the point that I feel uncomfortable sharing it here). But Dr. T understood what I meant. We talked a bit more about the value we (me and Dr. T, plus society as a whole) place on intellect, which we'd also discussed in a recent session. He said how my intelligence was and likely still is a big part of my identity. And for him, he wasn't the smartest guy in his school, but he knew that he was intelligent, which was important to him. But that intelligence in that sense isn't everything.

I mentioned how I just hoped D could still get a high school diploma. Dr. T: "Why is it important for her to get a diploma? What does she need it for?" Me: "...I...I don't know? That's a good question, actually. I mean, I guess society suggests it's needed to be successful, but then what is success for her? Does she really need that to have a fulfilling life?" He said I need to try to think about what a fulfilling life would mean to her vs. to me.

Dr. T: "Can I tell you a story that might help? It won't take that long." Me: "Sure." Dr. T: "I might get emotional." Me: "That's OK."

He talked about a family friend (who he'd mentioned in a recent session) who had a son who already had severe ADHD and I think a learning disability, who as a teen was then in a car accident and got a traumatic brain injury, which affected his mental capabilities. Dr. T (his voice cracking and getting higher) said how the mother was telling the son a couple years later various things she hoped he could achieve in life. And the son replied, "But what if I don't want those things?"

His voice getting even higher, Dr. T said, "He was basically saying to her, 'If I can't do those things, will you still love me?'" Me: "Oh wow." Dr. T wiped his eyes and said, "I'm sorry" (referring to the tears). Me: "It's OK, I'm emotional in here all the time." Dr. T: "But I'm not."

I thanked him for sharing and said how I knew I needed to work on thinking about D differently. He said something about grieving. I said it was something I needed to work through in there more, that it would take time. He agreed, saying it wasn't a quick thing.

I said I knew we had to stop (we were a little over). Confirmed the time for Monday. I gathered my stuff, and he stood up and opened the door. Dr. T: "Stay dry." Me (gesturing to the window): "Yeah, I don't think I'm going to accomplish that!" Dr. T: "Have a good weekend." Me: "You too."