I'm sorry you're in a failed marriage, which is what you're in. You're willing to be ever so patient and supportive and would do anything for this man - as you have been doing - if only, if only . . .

You do have a ton of insight. You seem to totally get that he's just fine with things exactly as they are. You may have a problem, but he doesn't. He lets you adapt to him, which you do well enough to keep this marriage going. You don't want to keep adapting to what you need not accept.

His main problem is not the marijuana addiction. It is the profound immaturity that colors his attitudes about everything. That is as mature as he is ever going to get. He's had 20 years of marriage and a long span of fatherhood. Those responsibilities often mature a man. They didn't mature him. Nothing else is going to. Let go of the delusion that, if he got enough "help," he could transcend his challenges and move forward. There isn't that much help on the planet. Therapy and rehab have to have something to work with. In his case, there's nothing there to work with. Profound immaturity combined with severe lack of character in an adult his age is a terminal illness. Some mental illness is "terminal," just like end stage COPD, or widely metastasized cancer. He will die in this state of mind. I wouldn't judge him. He may truly be incapable of having done things differently. Who knows?

If you're wondering how you could have gotten into such a relationship, the truth is that it is possible to fall in love with even the most severely damaged, zero-potential persons. I don't doubt you find him lovable. He was, and he is. Loving someone is not a sufficient reason to form a partnership with that person. Love does not conquer all . . . . . not in the absence of one party lacking any capacity to be responsible. You didn't used to know that. Now you do.

Let him go. Resolve to pray for him, if you are so inclined, and live your life. His future is sad and will be hard for your daughter and you to watch. Watch it from a distance. You have no moral obligation to allow his self-destruction to unfold in what you call your home. Let where your daughter and you choose to live be a "home," not a venue for this impossible behavior. And don't put this on her. It's your call. He's been crapping in this home. Tell him to take that down the road. Get a lawyer. Make the arrangements. Don't expect him to lift a finger to coordinate this separation.

Your life can be better.