Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
I'm sorry you're in a failed marriage, which is what you're in. You're willing to be ever so patient and supportive and would do anything for this man - as you have been doing - if only, if only . . .
You do have a ton of insight. You seem to totally get that he's just fine with things exactly as they are. You may have a problem, but he doesn't. He lets you adapt to him, which you do well enough to keep this marriage going. You don't want to keep adapting to what you need not accept.
His main problem is not the marijuana addiction. It is the profound immaturity that colors his attitudes about everything. That is as mature as he is ever going to get. He's had 20 years of marriage and a long span of fatherhood. Those responsibilities often mature a man. They didn't mature him. Nothing else is going to. Let go of the delusion that, if he got enough "help," he could transcend his challenges and move forward. There isn't that much help on the planet. Therapy and rehab have to have something to work with. In his case, there's nothing there to work with. Profound immaturity combined with severe lack of character in an adult his age is a terminal illness. Some mental illness is "terminal," just like end stage COPD, or widely metastasized cancer. He will die in this state of mind. I wouldn't judge him. He may truly be incapable of having done things differently. Who knows?
If you're wondering how you could have gotten into such a relationship, the truth is that it is possible to fall in love with even the most severely damaged, zero-potential persons. I don't doubt you find him lovable. He was, and he is. Loving someone is not a sufficient reason to form a partnership with that person. Love does not conquer all . . . . . not in the absence of one party lacking any capacity to be responsible. You didn't used to know that. Now you do.
Let him go. Resolve to pray for him, if you are so inclined, and live your life. His future is sad and will be hard for your daughter and you to watch. Watch it from a distance. You have no moral obligation to allow his self-destruction to unfold in what you call your home. Let where your daughter and you choose to live be a "home," not a venue for this impossible behavior. And don't put this on her. It's your call. He's been crapping in this home. Tell him to take that down the road. Get a lawyer. Make the arrangements. Don't expect him to lift a finger to coordinate this separation.
Your life can be better.
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Thanks Rose. You’re correct that immaturity is his main problem. He’s less mature than our kids, even if he knows how to do things they don’t. Just today he threw his weight around and scolded/directed my son about Mother’s Day even though my son and I had already discussed it a couple days ago and we have a great bond. He acted like the authority to make sure I was treated “right.” It makes no sense other than he is trying to show me he cares, yet it’s in areas that don’t need his attention. It created awkwardness that I then have to deal with. It gave him a chance to show disapproval towards our son when he doesn’t deserve it.
If I tried to point any of that out he would NEVER be able to grasp it. It would irritate him, anger him, because he’s trying to be seen as good. He’s been randomly pointing out his contributions lately; he’s transparent.
His behavior can be impossible, very true. He absolutely has been crapping in this house, even though he so enjoys parts of it, he neglects/ignores the rest. His self worth is so low, which I know as his wife, but he acts so arrogant and sure of himself. I’m not religious, but I do keep hearing the Bible phrase in my head lately that talks about asking for a fish and getting a serpent. That’s how it is with him.
I’m so unhappy with the relationship but I care so much about him. I can’t understand myself, and I’m struggling to make sense. I guess I know it’s about fear not love. I don’t want to put anything on my daughter. He has no idea what she wants (that he not live with us). I had a counseling session yesterday and it was mostly intake; the counselor advised not to make any big decisions until we can talk again next week. Im disappointed in myself that I am so skeptical and discerning about things outside my home, but not so in my home with him. I’m so disappointed in myself that my kids have to tell me his behavior is enough to separate; enough to limit him from the home for their growth and wellbeing. I feel like a failure that I can’t identify the correct answer on my own. Im so unsure.
It’s like my goal is to prevent or minimize his self destruction.