If you are facing the reality of who he is and letting go of the notion that, with "help," he can be remodeled into the husband and father you need him to be, that right there is huge. You cover a vast stretch of ground just doing that, and that may be enough for you to accomplish for now. Decisions about his physical presence in the home will start to almost make themselves, after you solidify your grasp of what's really going on. Right now your task is to set aside sentimentalities and fantasies of possibilities that aren't ever going to happen. That's a lot of mental work and it's almost traumatizing. The mind defends itself from what is too painful by creating alternative narratives that help us feel more hopeful and less defeated. We imagine how "if only" this and "if only" that. "Maybe this" and "maybe that." You've done the preliminary work of cataloging all the examples of how you have an unacceptable, unfair, soul-withering situation. You've started to consider that there may be an alternative to just languishing in this mess as something that can't be changed. You're letting go of hope in solutions that will not happen. You need to inhabit that space for awhile and get oriented.

When you have the honesty and courage to come out of dreamland and face reality, it doesn't feel good at first. But, oh, is it empowering. You have options. Take a little time to discover that you're not as trapped as you thought you were. Get used to the view from your new vantage point.

I'm so glad you have the satisfaction of your children being as well as they are. Congratulations on successful mothering. You're afraid of making a false move. Fine. It's not like the house is on fire, and you better bolt through an exit immediately. It doesn't sound like there are imminent threats to your children's and your safety. Instead, there's a long-established status quo that you've become completely sick of. Altering it can feel like taxiing a jumbo jet on the runway. Dissolving a marriage feels shockingly radical because you went into it with such commitment. You don't reneg on commitment easily. I admire that.

One day at a time.