As I've posted about before, my adoption wasn 't a good adoption, T use to say in the beginning of therapy, that I do not allow myself to feel my original abadonment depression. I use to think, Huh? whats that then? whats feeeling anything then?

I remember in the past when people have placed babies in my arms, that I would peer into the babys face and believe that baby was quite content with me, infact proberbly even prefered me to its mother and that it would feel sad to have to go back to someone other then me, because I was in denial of my own pain and grief.

The wkend I was at in-laws and my husbands relatives where there whom I've not seen in 10yrs or more with their 9wk old daughter. During the gathering my husbands relative walked past with the baby in his arms and said "here you can hold her for a while" now I'm a mother of 3 children myself, but my youngest are 15, so apart from my drinking days I haven't held a baby since I entered recovery/therapy and I was taken back by the way this effected me.

I was holding the baby and she was going to cry and I felt very panicky for her, It was as if I felt her fear and anxiety and powerlessness in being in some strangers arms and not her mothers. It wasn't until I got home that I noticed how overwhelmed I was beginning to feel, how for the first time I was aware of the baby as belonging to someone else, and me wanting her to be with her mother and knowing how unerving it must have felt for her trying to find something in my face she may recognise which she never was going to becasue we were strangers to each other. This being strangers to each other would never have entered my mind in the past, I would have just thought, my arms were as good as anybody elses arms completely out of touch with the needs of another person. I realised as the evening wore on that what has happened is I had to block out my own abandoment feelings as a baby, had to learn to accept the strange arms as my mother, but instead died a little inside and gave up every hoping to find that face again, that person that was special..it took my breath a way for a while and I so miss T this week, not being able to talk all this out. This jelly feeling I Have in my gut. This feeling memory within me. I can't believe how "blocked" I've been most of my life. Man this therapy thing really does work, it really does bring back feelings. Thankfully this baby got to go back to her mother/world and her discomfort was for a short time. I understand now the grief I hold inside from a time when I didnt get to go back to my mother/world, and this grief is a big part of who-I-am. This isn't a post for or against adoption, its just a post about my experiences.

This happening has also helped me identify better my feelings I have for those that matter to me.