What an utterly heartbreaking situation. Wish I knew what to say that would help.

I have anxiety over and illness and death too although I have been spared the depth of pain that you describe.

Lately I have been trying to channel my energy into a kind of mission of attempting to help others: people, animals and even plants. I have found that it helps me a lot although not being a psychologist or anything I can't offer this as advice to you or anyone else.

To be honest I got this idea from reading about the ideas of psychiatrist Viktor Frankl. There's probably articles about him on the internet. He was a Holocaust survivor.

If I was a psychologist or wise man I would try to help you but I am just a fellow struggler. So very, very sorry I don't know how to be helpful to you but I hope things improve for you!