Dear Nana,

I am sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry...so sorry we had to sepreate that way...so sorry.

I know you felt miserable, guilty, angry at yourself, I could tell by the way you kept apologizing even though you where in such pain. I'm fine Nana I really am..it wasn't your fault, I'm okay. I'm sorry, I'm the one that should be apologizing, I missed your funeral, not on purpose, I was there but I don't rember, pain pills have a way of doing that for a person..I told mom to give me two..I rember telling her because I was hurting really bad..I wasn't hurting that bad I just didn't want to feel all the emotional pain on top of the physical so I abused them..I hid in them for that day..I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I haven't been to your grave since we buried your ashes beside Pa..I'm a bad granddaughter. I went through a whole year and a half of denial, I tried to pretend you never existed, I tried to just act like I didn't miss you..I pretended I wasn't hurting at all. I'm sorry..I'm sorry you where in such pain..even in your pain you thought of others first that other lady is fine too just a broken leg..Nana you truly where an amazing and caring person..always taking care of others than yourself.

I miss you..I can finally say it with out triggering all the bad memories, withouth the taste of vomit..without the sense that I have to run away from my grief. Nana..I miss you..I know you wheren't Jewish..and even though I am far from finished in my conversion process I said the mourners' Kaddish this morning when I was thinking of you..it helped..it kind of sealed the fact that you where gone..that it is time for me to grive..I'm three years late that I know but better late than never.

I wish you could have seen my first high school play I was in, I wish you could have been there for my first prom, I wish I could have shown you all the pictures I took when I was in D.C...I saw Monticello too..I saw everything you did when you where a teenager. I wish you could have been there for my senior prom, for my graduation.I wish you could see how well Mom is doing in school..she got to go to college Nana..she is going to college..I know you always wanted that for her. You where there in spirit..I know you where.

I miss you Nana..I truly do..I'm sorry I spent the last few years being angry at everyone..that I tried to deny you ever existed..I was being selfish I was being disrespectful..for a time I tried to talk myself into hating you. I far from hate you Nana..I love you so much you where like a mother to me..you and Mimi. I was so blessed to have you in my life..I was so blessed to have you and mimi.

I just wanted to say I was sorry for being so horrible..for not taking better care of your memory...Nana I love you and I miss you. I just wanted to say I was sorry..and that I love you so much.