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I am now separated from my SO (this is the second month), presumably divorce will follow. I’d like to use this thread to chronicle and share some of the spirited highs and explosive lows of navigating this most perilous of minefields - our post-relationship relationship. Perhaps I’ll update it like a diary, with experiences, ideas, wins, losses, strengths and vulnerabilities as time goes on. I’d encourage anyone out there to chime in with their own stories of life apart from partners and/or children. Perhaps we can help support one another? I’d like to keep things constructive, if possible, rather than have it descend into bitter finger-pointing. Let’s see how this goes.
I’ll open with a little background to set the scene. I’ve touched on aspects of my separation elsewhere on the forum, so will try to make this fresh: I’m just-turned 52 (my Ex was going around mistakenly telling her friends I’m 54, but I’m not). We have two little ones aged 5 and 8. Around Christmas her father became ill and we were all worried. One day I snapped at her over something trivial and she asked me to move out. It’d been threatening for a very long time though I was the only person in Britain who hadn’t anticipated it - at least, not consciously.
We’d only recently moved far away from our former home, ironically to help save things. I’m generally a loner. Don’t speak to my family much. In the immediate aftermath of deciding to part she had a series of friends stay with us. It was challenging to smile whilst hunting for another place/anticipating how the kids might take it all. I got spectacularly lucky and was offered a 2-bedroom house just 15 minutes away. The distance is about right for a variety of reasons.
It’s taken this long to even begin to feel settled. I get to see my kids 3 times a week and they stay with me whenever she is away for work. The kids have been an emotional rock for me, personally. Clearly they were upset and there have been tears. However, my eldest was philosophical (she gets twice the toys, fun and a new bed to sleep in). I believe the main reason we were able to manage the transition for the kids was because my Ex and I are more or less amicable. There was no painful, irrevocable breakdown, we manage our shared interests (the kids, visiting and related money) with relative grace.
Behind all this, though, there is unhappiness and resentment. A number of events from our shared past have caused her now to dislike me. Perhaps, as we go along I’ll share a few of them. On my part I know separating was the best thing for all concerned. Even so I, secretly miss her very much. I still care, I sometimes feel the urge to share the emotional ups and downs I experience (though this would be inappropriate). I think she’s an amazing mother. These new parameters in our relationship continue to challenge. Because we don’t talk about it I have no idea how she is managing things though suspect she has her own set of associated challenges.
That’s my introduction. There’s a few stories I’d like to share but they can wait for another time.
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If you're going through hell, keep going...
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