Last Monday there was tension at V*****'s place.
Until then we had both independantly, quietly, stopped inviting each other into our houses during children's pick-up/drop off.
Ostensibly I was invited in to show her how to work the steam cleaner (V***** has never, to my knowledge, cleaned the flat. Now she can't afford the cleaners fee). She needed help moving some furniature, however, and that took presedence. Then a 30 minute phone call with a leading ISP trying - unsuccessfully - to change ownership of the account. The mop was forgotten.

I'm due on a training course in two weeks. Out of town and needing to raise funds to help cover petrol costs. The last remaining item belonging to me at her place is a film projector. I could sell it along with a screen to help myself out. She wasn't happy about it. With barely-concealed irritation snatched it from my hands as I headed for the door. Marched it back into her bedroom. The kids still use it, she says, so she'll give me the money. I get that the kids occasionally use it, but her irritation annoyed me. We exchanged curt words and I left.

Only minutes prior I'd stood behind her, listening to her deal with the ISP advisor, getting nowhere, and I was thinking "My goodness, you look so good. I still really fancy you. I don't know if I love you. Perhaps. But I'm still drawn to you for the same reason I was back when we first met. I want to tell you I miss you but I know you're not interested in how I feel."


The tension, upset of that encounter, and sense of longing for V***** that lingers within me, reinforced why we stopped inviting one another in. It's just too complicated. Until that point we were mangaging really well.

Sex between us faded around six years ago after our second child came along.
When we met it was exciting, fun, everything it should and could be.
Somewhere along the line I (thought) I noticed a change in her sexually.
She wouldn't allow me to touch her the way I used to.
We never kisssed until it was over, ultimately we didn't kiss at all.

I wonder whether she thinks of me sexually. Has she dreampt of me?
I still dream of V*****. Sometimes anxiety dreams where she's with someone else or rejecting me. Sometimes its tender, we touch and I feel she likes me still.
Either way it's comforting when she comes to me in my sleep.