Dear T,

I feel like I'm getting drawn into the messy fold of the trauma work again and I don't like it. I don't like having this on my mind so often. It's easier when I try and forget, when I shove it back inside the wall and don't look at it. F***, I had forgotten what turning and looking at it felt like, and it's tough, so how is it going to be when we start actually going in there? (Assuming the very protective parts of me one day let us) What am I supposed to do with it all between sessions? You asked me last week if I felt I was wrestling in-between sessions, and I said no, because up until now it hasn't felt like that, probably because we haven't really been venturing all that close to it, but it feels as if that is changing, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for it.